Don't Exploit the Hookers

Weird Google Hits

I'm getting weird Google hits.

Two things are bringing people to my site:

1. Rush Limbaugh's Cat-- Why is this? Is there that much interest in Pumpkin and her human companion?

2. "I've doin' it with class 'cause I got a big ass"-- This makes more sense. Thankfully, the perverts aren't posting comments. I guess they're disappointed.

If you were to ask me which of my posts bring the most people to this site, these two would not be the ones.

Oh well . . .

Don't Exploit the Hookers

I've got a really important lesson for all of you out in cyberland.

Are you listening?

OK, here it is:

If you are hanging out, say, in a bar, and if you are, say, drunk, and if it just so happens that somehow or another you end up in a trailer somewhere, and somehow your clothes escape your body, and a dude with a camera turns up ready to take pictures, don't sign the release form.

Particularly if your future includes the governor of New York and prostitution.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/eonline/20080428/en_celeb_eo/feab74af183d_4f38_a427_8e334d009e96

Ms. Ashley Dupre, at the ripe old age of seventeen, showed her ta tas for Girls Gone Wild. The poor, mislead, inebriated teenager signed a release. The lovely young lady's complaint is that Girls Gone Wild "exploit(ed) (her) image and likeness for their own financial gain at the emotional and physical expense of Ms. Dupré".

So let me get this straight: the hooker, who was charging the Governor of New York big bucks for sex, is upset with Joe Francis exploiting her nakedness?

If Francis superimposed a bin Laden beard or a habit on our lovely lady, yeah I see that as exploiting her image, but I would assume that nakedness and hookers go hand in hand. It's not exactly a career choice which promotes modesty or poor body image.

Otherwise, she'd probably be an accountant, right?

I don't mean to defend Francis. He's scum of the earth, no doubt, and I'm thrilled for as much of his empire as possible to be wasted away by legal fees, but come on. If she signed a release, drunk or not, she signed a release.

It's not like Joe Francis is hiding in bathrooms, snapping pictures under the stalls.

Whatever

Go 'Stros

So Goes My Fabulous Self

Probably you already know this.

Probably you have April 25th circled in red on your personal calendars and have already begun talking amongst yourselves about appropriate gifts. I'm guessing someone has reserved Bungalow Eight for a private party.

I'm assuming that we'll spend the evening drinking martinis and talking about how fabulous I am. I can't drink much though as I weigh a mere thirteen pounds.

Anyway, for those of you who are not so culturally aware, April 25th is my one year anniversary as a blogger. I've thought of all kinds of things to commemorate this monumental day; the drunken freakin' rednecks I'm sure will shoot off fireworks. (They've done it every night this week-- why would Friday be any different???)

President Bush will probably hold a press conference and mention that Friday is now Penelope the Cat day. I'm guessing Senators Clinton, McCain, and Obama will drop my name in campaign speeches as well.

What shall they say???

Well, I'm not going to tell you what they will say. You should just watch CNN to find out, as I can't imagine they won't cover it.

Karen told me not to hold my breath. But she isn't as culturally astute as the rest of us.

So Friday, you should tell your friends to celebrate Penelope the Cat day by, well, doing what I would do:

1. Nap
Napping is very important, you know. Doing my job requires a lot of energy, so I must sleep at least eighteen hours a day.

2. Groom

I must look ever so fabulous, so about one of my three waking hours is spent in hair and make up (mainly hair).

3. Eat

A gals got to eat. I just wish I could get a hold of that chicken in the fridge.

4. Chase Sadie (or any other run of the mill pion willing to be chased)

Sadie is such an easy target. It's just too easy . . .

5. Sit on Karen's face (again, or any run of the mill pion)
I have needs. If my needs aren't met, I have to get testy. Time is not my concern; Karen needs to take care of her job, even if it's two in the morning when I run out of food.

6. Blog

How would you people know what to do if it weren't for my blog? You probably would be voting for actors and rednecks and Lady Macbeth and confused Baptist ministers and ambulance chasers and lawyers and . . .

Whoops

Well, keep reading. You clearly need guidance.

7. Read a book.
Right now I'm reading Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse- Five in honor of my good friend Billy Pilgrim (kind of). I love Vonnegut-- his writing is so simple yet so profound.

Anyway, it's been a lovely year. I've made many a fabulous blog friend, which is great since my social life pretty much consists of Karen and Sadie, with the occasional trips to Karen's parents and a semi regular confrontation with the evil Jeff.

I love you all.

Go 'Stros

I am Uplifted

Have you missed me???

We've been quite busy as of late. Karen is obsessively working on the house so we can get it on the market soon, as in the end of the month. It's been wild; paint dripped on me when I took a nap underneath the step ladder.

Karen should be neater.

What else can I tell you . . .

I've been reading Karen's emails lately and something has been bugging me: those cutesy little quotes that are supposed to be uplifting and inspiring. We here at "I don't pretend to be an ordinary cat" are neither uplifting or inspiring, even on a good day.

I prefer snide and cynical.

Anyway, Karen and I were discussing this the other day and she agrees with me as well. According to her, it would be more entertaining to have something wildly inappropriate, just to see if anyone would notice.

Interesting

Thus, may I present to you:

Quotes I would put at the bottom of my email at work if . . .

A. I had a job.

B. I didn't care much about keeping said job.

C. I wasn't concerned about being sued.

"Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality." -- Oscar Wilde

"Any war that requires the suspension of reason as a necessity for support is a bad war." -- Norman Mailer

"A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika." -- Dorthy Parker

"In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination." -- Mark Twain

"Does it really matter what those affectionate people do-- so long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses!" -- Mrs. Patrick Campbell

"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed." -- George Burns

"Here's a tip for you: The next time you have the world by the balls, don't twist them." -- Drew Carey

"Sex is the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." -- Steve Martin

Go 'Stros

What's in a name???

I know I haven't been around much lately. I hope all is going well with you. It's been a busy week with napping and grooming. Karen has been cleaning out closets and working on a myriad of projects at home to make our house quite "buyer friendly".

I've been meaning to tell you guys about this for months. It's totally awesome:

In the 23rd U.S. Congressional District, better knows as Tom Delay's old stomping ground, ten Republicans candidates are vying for the opportunity to run against Democrat Nick Lampson in the November election.

This is not particularly newsworthy, as a kajillion other congressional districts across the United States are in the same position. However, the 23rd has one really cool candidate:

(Excuse the picture quality-- I had Karen take this picture using her cell phone in the rain. It's a bumper sticker on the back of a car parked outside Barnes and Noble.)


I have nothing against Mr. Manlove. I've never heard an inkling of anything good or bad about him (he used to be the mayor of a neighboring city near Karen's parents). However, he's running for congress with a last name that is instant fodder for The Daily Show.


Yes, I am aware of how adolescent it is for me to find this so funny. "Manlove" is a perfectly reasonable last name. I should accept Manlove and embrace him as a successful politician and businessman.


I can't help it; Manlove rocks.



If Mr. Manlove wins, he better steer clear of any and all scandals. Spitzer was bad enough. Can you imagine the same scenario with "Manlove"???


Can you imagine any scenario with Manlove in which headlines wouldn't be awesome?


If I keep saying "Manlove" do you think my Google hit number with make a significant jump???


Whatever


Other Issues:


Operation Chaos:


Is this real?


What is the point?


Should I be offended by this? I'm not-- truthfully, I think it's one of the funnier things I've heard in a while. Does that make me a horrible cat?


If Rush Limbaugh goes to jail for election tampering, inciting a riot, contributing to the delinquency of minors, insider trading, or anything else, I'd like to be his replacement on the radio. You, my readers, are in charge of taking care of this. Start making those phone calls.


Crazy Ministers


Anyone want to lay bets as to who released the tape?


I'm bored of this story. But I'm seeing no one making an attempt to trace the origin of the tape, which to me is far more interesting.


Once again, the idiot yahoo members of the media are totally getting it wrong.


Whatever



Karen is a TOOL



For many years, we've prided ourselves in the fact that we do not watch American Idol. Well, Karen did Wednesday night (was that Wednesday-- maybe it was Tuesday-- whatever).



At least we don't watch America's Next Top Model.



We do occasionally catch Meet the Kardashians though.



OK, we're just like every other crap for brains American. Get over it.



But that's not the point.



Anyway, one of the contestants sang Karen's favorite Police song: Every Breath You Take. This is fine except the singer totally didn't get the song. She got the beauty of it and the concept of consuming, overwhelming, I can't live without you, love. What she didn't get was this song is also about a freakin' stalker.



It's interesting how that song becomes lame without the haunting element. Ole Sting totally knows what he's doing.



If you'd like to go back to 1983, here's a link to the music video, from a time when Music Television was actually Music Television.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnejNGprm3I



Otherwise, I'm outa here. We got the end of preseason baseball to watch.



Go 'Stros

If You Don't Go to Class . . .

OK, I know I told you guys that I wouldn't speak anymore of this soap opera out of Albany, but I couldn't help myself today:

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/2008/03/18/2008-03-18_gov_david_paterson_admits_to_numerous_af.html?ref=rss

New Yorkers: Can you Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaase elect someone, anyone, who can stay off The Daily Show for 24 hours after taking office?

But that's beside the point . . .

Politicians are always saying how hard they work for you, the taxpaying yahoos of the world. They spend all these long hours making our world a better place blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. . .

My question is this: if they are sooooooooo busy working for the "common man", how do they find the time to, how shall I put it, DIDDLE OTHERS WHO ARE NOT LEGALLY/ SOCIALLY OBLIGATED TO DIDDLE THEM???

Are these elected officials just really high energy? Or is this working eighteen hour days thing just a myth?

Just 48 hours ago I was planning on writing this nice little uplifting piece about Paterson and how wonderful it is that a man who for all intents and purposes is blind could overcome and achieve a law degree and a high ranking political position.

Thank goodness I took the low road and created an awesome episode of Masterass Theater.

And more to contribute to my jadedness . . .

Karen's friend Jenny sent her this link. Since I read Karen's email (don't tell her-- I just change everything back to "new" and she's totally clueless), I thought you guys would be interested in this as well:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eG6X-xtVask

Perhaps if congressional representatives would, I don't know, SHOW UP, they could actually VOTE. Don't give me that crap about pee breaks. Teachers have learned survive the majority of a day without leaving a room full of goofy sixteen-year-old unattended-- I can't imagine that congress people have it any worse off. From what I see, both nationally and in Texas, the issue is not pee breaks-- it's truancy.

I challenge you to look up your state and national congressional representatives. You will be shocked to find out their attendance records.

These yahoos don't show up to work.

To get a pee break one should show up to work don'tcha think???

Granted, I can't stand the state congressional representatives in my neck of the woods. Karen wrote them two letters and received two preachy responses in return (both probably written by interns-- whatever). But nevertheless, the constituents of redneck Hell did elect them, so they damn well better be showing up and voting.

And if they don't???

I don't know-- it's not like I can vote. And even if I could vote, apparently I'm outnumbered by rednecks.

Whatever