Hissing Black Cats and Other Topics

All I can say is this: at least I got sequins.

Anyway, happy belated Halloween. I answered the door for trick or treaters. It was kind of fun sitting in the window, waiting for the kiddoes to arrive.

"I expect you to be on your best behavior," Karen told me. "That means no hissing."

Oh for crying out loud it's Halloween. I think a hissing black cat is highly appropriate.

Back in redneck hell we didn't get too many trick or treaters. One or two at best. Interestingly enough, more Halloweens than not Karen was called out of town for work, so most of our Halloween experiences have been at Karen's parent's house. Last year she was at a conference in Austin, the year before she was at a conference in Los Angeles, the year before that she was, well, at a very crazy Halloween party hosted by one of her nutty teacher friends. This year we are staying at home and answering the door.

A Change in Plans

OK, as you know I started posting the "Colin Firth Moment of the Week" about a month ago. I was changing out the clips on Sunday, but since I was kidnapped Saturday, it didn't happen last week. Anyway, that misstep gave me an idea:

Firth Fridays

Every Friday I will change out the clip instead, hence the name "Firth Fridays".

Like you people give a rat's ass. Whatever. Let me tell you about this clip from the movie Love Actually.

Karen loves this clip and calls it "romantic" and "wonderful". However, I personally find it "creepy" and "ill advised".

To begin with, she doesn't know the dude. Yeah, he's British and Colin Firth, but this is a movie and she doesn't know that. She doesn't even speak his language. He could have been asking/ telling her all kinds of things, like "are you into stamps?" or "I collect pieces of human flesh" while she cleaned house smiling so sweetly.

"Colin would never do that," Karen replied to the idea of the Firth being a stamp collecting serial killer. "It's simply impossible."

And exactly how would she know???

Other Issues

I know you people are waiting with baited breath about my take on the Madonna thing.

No really?

Madonna and Guy Richie are splitting up?

I'm so totally shocked.

Personally, if I were Guy I would have held out a little longer. With no prenump he easily could have gotten $300 million.

Whatever

Right now they are fighting over custody. Madonna wants to take the kiddoes to New York and Guy wants them to continue living in London.

I think the team of 24/7 nannies/ housekeepers/ whoever should make the decision.

Da Book Business

We are now about ninety percent unpacked. Last weekend Karen tackled probably the most difficult part of the unpacking process: the books.

21 boxes of books Karen brought to our new house.

She organized by alpha order this time. Last time Karen had a complicated system of genre then alpha. It was too much so we went totally alpha order.

Karen would personally like to thank all of those people who over the years borrowed books and didn't return them. Otherwise, we might be closer to thirty boxes.

Anyway, I hope all is good with you guys. Sorry I haven't been around as much as of late. I'm going to start being a little more diligent with the posting.

Go 'Stros

Colin and Ike-- Although Unrelated

Sadie and I are tired of Karen and her people hanging around the house during the day. They've got to go back to work. Period. It's driving me nuts, as I've got things to do and I can't do any of them as long as those people are roaming around bothering me.

Offense Taken

Tell me your thoughts on this:

A couple of Sundays ago, I was sitting on a chair at the kitchen table, just casually enjoying my morning when a certain six-year-old approached me and said, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha I'm going to church and you aren't."

Exactly how am I supposed to take this? This child, who was thankfully leaving shortly thereafter, is taunting me regarding church attendance? My feelings are very much hurt and I might not ever go to church again if this is the attitude they are taking.

"Penelope, do you really want to go to church?" Karen asked me when I mentioned this slight.

Actually, no, I'd rather spend the time napping at home during one of the few moments when it is completely empty, thank you much.

But that's besides the point.

My Gift to You

In Karen's sheer boredom (her school experienced some Ike damage, so she isn't returning to work until Wednesday) we've watched Pride and Prejudice in pieces since the power returned late Sunday/ early Monday. We've enjoyed it so much that Karen suggested we show weekly clips of the whopping six hour version from 1995.

I decided that was a little much. I thought it would be more enjoyable for my readers to show our favorite Colin Firth moments. So, via YouTube, we now have a new feature:

Colin Firth Moment of the Week.

"Why don't you have a George Clooney moment of the week as well?" Karen suggested.

I told her that would be going just a bit too far. But it's something to consider for the future.

Anyway, I went to YouTube to find some clips and whatnot and there are some really freaky Firth fans. I mean, granted, Karen announce rather excitedly during one of the opening scenes of Mama Mia that she "loved" Colin Firth, but it was pretty loud with all those other middle aged ladies singing and drooling and whatnot. But there are Firth collections put to music all over YouTube. That takes time and dedication, my friends.

I chose the air guitar scene for my first Firth Moment of the Week from What a Girl Wants. It's by far not my favorite Firth moment, but I'm saving those for later.

If you haven't seen What a Girl Wants, it's a nice, sweet family movie. Basically, Amanda Bynes goes to England to find her father, who is a British Lord (Colin Firth). It's good PG fun.

Other Things

Down the street from Karen's parents house is a Point of Delivery (POD) location, where dudes in camouflage Hummers (I'm totally not making this up-- I thought the Canadians invaded or something) distribute food, ice, water, etc. Anyway, Karen won't get in line and bring me one of those FEMA self heating meal things. I really wanted to write about how these things work. Heck, I was going to bring to you people FEMA Fridays or something of the sort, but noooooooo, Karen won't get in the line for a mere three or four hours to get me some demonstration models.

Whatever.

More Other Things

The 'Stros are experiencing post traumatic stress disorder I guess due to ole Ike. Why else would they be sucking so incredibly much as of late??? This is one of those moments in which I would think the 'Stros should really reconsider their game plan of not using gloves before the 4th of July. But what do I know . . .

Anywho, I've got to go. It's time for my late afternoon nap.

Go 'Stros

Schools Out for Summer, but not for Rush Limbaugh

It's Official

I'm sick and tired of politics.

HillBilly will continue or not. Period. Either way, we don't need to hear day long speculation.

Karen is also boycotting The View, as they spent like FOREVER talking about this and gave Colin Firth all of five minutes.

You don't shorten the Firth's time. That is, unless you want to hear about it from Karen.

Interesting fact: Firth has FIVE movies coming out this summer. Karen is in heaven.

It's Official Again

Karen got a three digit reading on her car thermometer yesterday.

Summer has begun.

Canadians suck.

My Novel About School Teachers

If I ever write a book about teachers, I would include one of the following:

1. Teachers desperately wanting to check out and go home and administrators desperately wanting them to stay until three.

or

2. Administrators desperately wanting to leave and teachers not ready to check out after five minutes of arriving in the building.

Either is pretty funny.

This concept is inspired by Karen, a decade plus veteran of public schools. She's been in three educational settings and this issue has been a small annoyance each year.

Small in that how mad can you be? IT'S THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!

One school let you leave whenever you finished checking out. You got the checkout sheet like a week ahead of time, so you could do some of it early. If you weren't done by ten, someone was out looking for you, tapping their foot impatiently.

Although technically, you had until four.

Another school had a big assembly at eight, which lasted until about tenish (announcing retirees, teachers of the year and such), a breakfast shortly following, and then you got the check out sheets.

And the administrators disappeared

And reappeared for five minutes

And disappeared again

And reappeared for ten minutes

And went to lunch

And the principal wouldn't do the final sign off until three.

I asked Karen which was worse. According to her, although she really wanted to be home by noon, she'd rather spend a few more hours at work than to have someone breathing down her neck being all impatient, as that person booked a flight she should have scheduled later than noon on a workday.

Hypothetically speaking, of course

Other Funny Things About Teachers:

Elementary teachers, as a whole, are perky. At the assemblies announcing important things that happened during the year at individual schools, they do one of the following when anything related to their school is announced:

A. Whoop

B. Stand up and shout

C. Bring instruments, such as cowbells, and use them LOUDLY

They also have a tendency to match.

Karen said it takes too much energy to be an elementary teacher. She says that if she wrote a book about elementary school teachers she'd have someone sampling the Ritalin.

High school teachers are a little more dry. Some of them cross the line from dry to sarcastic. Some of them cross the line from sarcastic to bitter.

Many of them want to jump the elementary school teacher, who just ingested three cups of Starbucks, ringing that wretched cowbell.

Some of them are just plain crazy.

Speaking of just plain crazy, someone, sitting in that assembly, is hungover, at least in my book.

Someone has a deep seeded hatred towards the newly named teacher of the year. It could be for a number of reasons, it really doesn't matter. But the great part comes when the name is read you can vaguely hear that person, five or six rows back, say, over the cowbells and thunderous claps:

"Oh, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL no."

At least in my book.

NOTE: None of these things happened this year to Karen. In all honesty, according to her it was a fairly tame end-of-the-year check out. She was even home well before three. Some of these things have happened in the past, not exactly in the shape or form I presented them. Some of these things were modified from past events in the to protect the idiots who behave like asses FREQUENTLY. But all events have some grain of truth, as relayed from Karen.

Update on Operation Rush Limbaugh
I'm still working on Karen. Now she's saying she might be teaching summer school. Since she doesn't get out of summer school until 12:30, calling Mr. Limbaugh becomes an impossibility.

I told her to blow off summer school.

She told me she wanted to buy a new refrigerator and summer school is easy money (7:30- 12:30 five days a week 25 bucks an hour-- you do the math).

Whatever

Summer school ends sometime before the fourth of July. We might have to delay operation Rush Limbaugh until then.

However . . .

We're getting a lot of hits out of South Palm Beach. I KNOW that Mr. Limbaugh is reading this. He needs to cut us a break. Other celebrities get breaks. They don't have to ask their assistants to sit on hold for hours on end. He needs to give us his PRIVATE number and allow us the luxury to call in at our leisure.

I still haven't mentioned the mistress thing. I figure one thing at a time.

I'll get back with you tomorrow

Go 'Stros

Superbowl Sunday

Although I knew today was Superbowl Sunday, I didn't know who was playing other than Tom Brady.

How could you not know Tom Brady was playing in the Superbowl???

Anyway . . .

I didn't even catch the whole game. We watched Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, because as you all know Karen is madly in love with Colin Firth. Anyway, it ended right as half time started, so we got to see Tom Petty, which was truly all we planned to watch of the Superbowl.

However the game was close: 3-7 Patriots.

So we stuck around, despite the fact that no one in my house has any interest in football (however we really liked the commercial with Will Ferrell).

I enjoyed that second half; the palpable excitement of the underdog win.

That's all I'm going to say about the Superbowl, as once again, I have no interest in such things. Let me tell you about what else I'm doing:

Book Reviews by Penelope the Cat

I am reading two books at the same time:

Book number one: "Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now" by Maya Angelou

This is a collection of essays, both fiction and not. It's been very enjoyable so far and I hope to share more in detail later this week.

Book number two: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly by Jean- Dominique Bauby

This one has been made into a movie. Look it up on Wiki-- the concept is intriguing.

Anyway, I'll give you more by the end of the week. That's all I'm saying right now.

Go forth and preach the word of Penelope. I'd do it myself, except I'm busy grooming . . .

Good Night and Good Luck

"We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty. When the loyal opposition dies, I think the soul of America dies with it."

-- Edward R. Murrow

Karen bought the DVD of Good Night and Good Luck. If you haven't seen this film, it's important.

Period

As patriotic Americans, you should rent the DVD. Karen think it's great too, but she's not credible in that, as you all well know, she is in love with George Clooney. When asked, Karen said she didn't understand the Clooney obsession until seeing Good Night and Good Luck. Then she caught a full blown case of the Clooney fever. It's quite a dilemma for her, in that her allegiance to Colin Firth went back to the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice.

Anyway . . .

The film is about Edward R. Murrow's interview of Joseph McCarthy on See It Now, a news show during a time when news shows didn't involve Britney Spears or O.J. Simpson.

How odd. . . I bet they weren't broadcasting pedophile stings, either.

Interesting fact: the original three major networks (actually two at that time) were required to broadcast thirty minutes of national news every evening, as each was making boo coos of money and this thirty minutes was seen as a way to "give back". The news isn't profitable.

That is, until news became more sensationalized. Truth" is relative in the media. I don't know who to believe most of the time. My solution is to believe no one and get the information from a myriad of sources, assuming that each is telling me a different part of the "truth".

Anyway that's my answer, I'd love to hear others.

Since we're on the subject of media sensationalism and journalistic responsibility, I thought this pick for Songs Karen Likes and I Approve was appropriate:

Dirty Laundry (Don Henley)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Uu8ga3IDsM

"Come and whisper in my ear. Give us dirty laundry."

That is, after my nap. This philosophical thinking has made me quite tired.

"Leave the gun, take the canolli"

Karen had the day off and decided to be a couch potato, in my space on the couch, watching what she wants to watch on TV, not really taking into consideration my needs.

Occasionally, we have Karen's Film Festival. These are some typical selections. See if you can discover a theme.

Pride and Prejudice (1995 version, of course)
I shouldn't have to tell you once again that Karen is a dork. Typically if she has some time on her hands, we spend six hours watching this film. She just loves Colin Firth.

Jumping into the pond

Over and over and over again

Then it becomes Colin Firth day:
Bridget Jones' Diary (both)
Karen and her friends have discussed at length the beauty of the scene when Mark Darcy says to Bridget, "I like you just as you are."

Talk about insecure.

The English Patient
Just parts-- Karen gets bored-- not enough Firth

What a Girl Wants
Karen makes us all sit and watch the last scene where Firth tracks down his estranged daughter and really hot and also estranged wife in America, so that he can give Amanda Bynes the father/ daughter dance she so deserves.

Awwww . . .

Love Actually (gag AND vomit)
Firth fall in love with a women who does not speak his language. That's real practical. He even hunts her down in her homeland, and takes her back to England.

Sounds a little creepy when you tell it that way. . .

You've Got Mail
Again, she makes us sit quietly and watch the last twenty minutes. Karen just loves the ending when Shopgirl discovers that the man she has decided is her one true love, a man she's never seen before, let alone have a conversation with outside of the world wide web, is the capitalist pig who runs her business into the ground. They meet in Riverside Park and as the capitalist pig approaches her, Shopgirl beams, tears welling in her eyes.

"Don't cry, Shopgirl," the capitalist pig said, handing her a handkerchief.

"I always wanted it to be you," she says to him.

Awww.

It's too bad I don't get hairballs.

Pillow Talk
Feminist fights with playboy. Falls in love with said playboy, who pretends to be someone else entirely in the meanwhile.

Karen loves Rock Hudson almost as much as Colin Firth.

Down with Love
Same as Pillow Talk. Replace Rock Hudson with Ewan McGregor and include a couple of not- so- subtle phallic jokes.

I'm just a little loved out. I'm taking a nap.

Go 'Stros