A Series of Unfortunate Events

It's been quite a wild week. Let me bring you up to speed with me:

God's Toilet Flood of 2007
Karen was getting out of the shower Saturday morning when the phone rang. It was our neighbor, informing her that his toilet overflowed during the night and most likely water seeped into my house. Since it was about seven, Karen had not been downstairs yet.

Sadie and I were still in bed. We don't get out of bed until about nine on Saturdays.

Karen walked downstairs to discover, yes, the downstairs carpet was saturated with water and the kitchen was covered as well.

Karen was not thrilled. Nor was I as Karen sucked up water in the kitchen with the wet vac. I hate the wet vac. It's loud. It disturbs me. When she finished with the wet vac, I sat on the stairs and watched her pull up wet carpet and pad and take it to the garage. It made me exhausted just watching her.

So anyway, most of this week I've spent listening to Karen gripe about the carpet, gripe about her neighbor, and gripe about the "rotten bloodsucking insurance company" which claims a neighbor's toilet overflowing is an "act of God". I've also learned about subjugation, which is legal mumbo jumbo meaning that Karen's insurance company does not agree the neighbor's toilet overflowing is an "act of God".

Whatever.

All I know is I don't like walking on cold concrete to eat my meals or to get on the couch to take my late afternoon nap.

This, by the way, is only the beginning.

The Big Announcement
Karen has decided the toilet flood of 2007 was a message from God telling her she needed to get on the ball as far as preparing the house for sale. She was planning on doing this eventually, probably late August or September, but since she has to replace the carpet, I guess she decided immediately was as good of a time as any.

So my house is being sold right from under me.

Do I not get a say in this?

And it gets worse.

Vacation
Karen told Sadie and me last night that next week that we would be "visiting grandma" before the move.

It really irritates me Karen refers to her parents as "Grandma" and "Grandpa" when talking to Sadie and me. They aren't my or Sadie's grandparents any more than Karen is my mother or Sadie is my sister.

Whatever.

Evidently, Karen is replacing carpet and she doesn't want to chance any of us (including herself) messing it up. For this reason, she is moving us to the home of Babs and Johnny while my house is up for sale.

She keeps telling us that we will have our own room and our own space and that she'll even bring our good kitty box with us.

I'm still not happy.

Babs and Johnny are simply not very appreciative of me. If I'm resting on the furniture I'm expected to move if one of them wants to sit. They act as if I'm a mad serial killer and go and get Karen to move me.

What do they think I'm going to do?

Never mind, I think we all know what I'm going to do. But I would like to point out that I've never actually killed anyone.

And then there's Jeff.

Karen swore to me that by the time we are staying with Babs and Johnny that Jeff and Sylvia (Jeff's very pregnant wife) will be gone and living in their new house. But it doesn't matter. Jeff will still come around. He's just like that. And we'll end up fighting again.

I can't be held responsible for my actions if a 6'7 250 pound man picks a fight with me. I'll have to defend myself.

Karen has promised this is not a permanent arrangement. She swears up and down that we'll only stay until the house sells and then we'll move again to a new house.

Still, I like my house.

My Own Ailments
Karen has decided I have a "rash" (flaky skin is a more accurate description) on my neck underneath my collar. So she took off my collar last night and put some moisturizer on my neck, which made my fur kind of sticky and smelly but whatever. The great part of not wearing a collar is that I can sneak up on people now. I love it. I've snuck up on Sadie about twenty times today. She's in a paranoid fit as I type, looking around the corner on ledges, etc., waiting for me to pounce. I even got Karen this morning. I hid under the sink and when I heard her entering the bathroom I jumped out and bit her on the ankle. She again said things which are not appropriate for good society and threatened to put my collar back on.

Whatever.

Anyway, that's been the drama I've dealt with this week. I'm exhausted thinking about it.

On Language

You know what word I love?

Myriad

Doesn't it sound sophisticated? I've been using it all day.

"Karen, I have a myriad of problems I wish you would rectify."

"There are a myriad of reasons why the Astros (and virtually ALL of the National League, thankfully) are sucking right now."

"I came up with a myriad of justifications as to why it was reasonable for me to bite Sadie on the neck at five in the morning, consequently starting World War III in the bed Karen claims is hers." (whatever)

You know what other word I like? Acrimonious.

"If it weren't for his acrimonious attitude, I might stop trying to kill Jeff."

If you don't know Jeff is Karen's brother. The first time I met him he got down on all fours and barked at me. Being a docile kitten, not yet jaded from the world in which I inhabit, I licked him on the nose. If I spend any time at Karen's parent's house he comes around. Eventually, we end up in a fight during the visit. He always comments on my weight and tells Karen that I have a tumor, which is why I hiss at him constantly. My hissing couldn't possibly be because he constantly harasses me and doesn't accept the fact I am a far superior being.

Anyway . . .

"Sadie called me acrimonious, when I hissed at her for sitting in my chair." (not really, but we can hope that Sadie will eventually extend her vocabulary)

"If Rosie O'Donnell wasn't so overbearing and acrimonious, no one would watch The View, and then, consequently, Elisabeth Hasslebeck would lose her job."

Those are my words. Does anyone have any to share?

Karen has a friend who likes to say "exacerbate". She says he uses it because it sounds dirty.

Could be, but it's a great word, anyway.