OK, Seriously, This Time I'm for Real

Yeah, remember last May when I told you I was back???

And then I really didn't come back.

This time I'm for real, believe it or not.

Here's the deal:

The seven-year-old laptop, in which the brilliant mastermind "I Don't Pretend to be an Ordinary Cat" was created, basically died last summer. It was very tragic. First, the keyboard became unusable. So Karen found an old desktop keyboard in the garage and connected it via USB port. Then it started running really really SLOW. So Karen got a bunch of pen drives and saved all the kajillion documents and pictures and so forth, hoping this would alleviate some of the problem.

It didn't.

And then one day in August the computer just died. It happened around the first week or two after Karen returned to work like a regular human, so Sadie and I could have some peace and quiet around here. Anyway, in her infinite wisdom, Karen decided not to run right out and immediately purchase a new computer.

"Technology doesn't need to be such a driving force in our lives," Karen told me, as she typed her kajillionth Facebook status update on the Blackberry. "I'm not sure I even want to replace it. I have a computer at work for basic needs. Plus, we should spend our time at home as a family, not bugged eyed from the artificial light of a computer screen."

Oh please. Karen has become so granola in 2009. She's into all this "natural" crap and exercise and whatnot. She reads books about Chinese medicine, for the love of all that is holy. She gets up three days a week at 4:30 in the morning and does Pilates or Yoga. It's getting on my freakin' nerves. She even, get this, suggested that Sadie and I start going on walks with her.

First of all, I refuse to be paraded via leash throughout the neighborhood for a myriad of reasons, the main one being that I am a cat and such behavior is soooo canine.

Period

Furthermore, if Karen was truly interested in my cardiovascular health, she wouldn't have uprooted me TWICE in 2008, only to settle in a one story home in an incredibly boring neighborhood. The only interesting thing that happens out here is the occasional rabbit getting into the backyard. We have no drunken rednecks or crazy neighbors or goats for my general entertainment through the day.

I mentioned this to Karen and suggested she talk to the woman who bought the old house and perhaps suggest a trade to her. Karen laughed at me.

So, Sadie and I do our best to stay in good health, chasing each other around the house, but it isn't the same without the stairs.

But I digress. . . back to my technology issue.

I told Karen that if she didn't replace the laptop soon, I would either leave, or pee in her bed, whichever would be easiest at the moment. So I sent her ridiculous self, along with the evil Jeff, the evil Jeff's not so evil wife Sylvia, Carlos, the evil Jeff's nephew, Myra, the evil Jeff's sister-in-law, and George, Myra's husband, out into the vast tundra of Texas late fall to stand in line at either Best Buy or Wal Mart.

"You people need to split up and divide and conquer," I told Karen and Sylvia at the Thursday strategy session, before my mid afternoon nap. "No one comes home unless I get a new laptop."

They must have taken me very seriously, as Karen left her parent's house in the early hours of morning and came home around eight with a box of modern technology.

However, I needed to set some ground rules with Karen in regards to allocating time for computer usage. We've agreed that Karen should not spend more than ten or fifteen minutes in the evening on Facebook crap. I feel that it is my duty as a far superior being to post at least one article per week as means of guidance, as one thing I've discovered in my hiatus is that you people are clearly ridiculous.

Oh yes, you are. All of you.

I watch CNN, people. And nothing has gotten better in regards to, well, anything. I simply cannot good conscience allow you people to continue into this downward spiral of ridiculousness.

Thus, I am back. Stay tuned, dedicated readers of discriminating taste. Many good things come to those who wait. . .

-- P (the fabulous and all knowing cat)

A Series of Unfortunate Events

It's been quite a wild week. Let me bring you up to speed with me:

God's Toilet Flood of 2007
Karen was getting out of the shower Saturday morning when the phone rang. It was our neighbor, informing her that his toilet overflowed during the night and most likely water seeped into my house. Since it was about seven, Karen had not been downstairs yet.

Sadie and I were still in bed. We don't get out of bed until about nine on Saturdays.

Karen walked downstairs to discover, yes, the downstairs carpet was saturated with water and the kitchen was covered as well.

Karen was not thrilled. Nor was I as Karen sucked up water in the kitchen with the wet vac. I hate the wet vac. It's loud. It disturbs me. When she finished with the wet vac, I sat on the stairs and watched her pull up wet carpet and pad and take it to the garage. It made me exhausted just watching her.

So anyway, most of this week I've spent listening to Karen gripe about the carpet, gripe about her neighbor, and gripe about the "rotten bloodsucking insurance company" which claims a neighbor's toilet overflowing is an "act of God". I've also learned about subjugation, which is legal mumbo jumbo meaning that Karen's insurance company does not agree the neighbor's toilet overflowing is an "act of God".

Whatever.

All I know is I don't like walking on cold concrete to eat my meals or to get on the couch to take my late afternoon nap.

This, by the way, is only the beginning.

The Big Announcement
Karen has decided the toilet flood of 2007 was a message from God telling her she needed to get on the ball as far as preparing the house for sale. She was planning on doing this eventually, probably late August or September, but since she has to replace the carpet, I guess she decided immediately was as good of a time as any.

So my house is being sold right from under me.

Do I not get a say in this?

And it gets worse.

Vacation
Karen told Sadie and me last night that next week that we would be "visiting grandma" before the move.

It really irritates me Karen refers to her parents as "Grandma" and "Grandpa" when talking to Sadie and me. They aren't my or Sadie's grandparents any more than Karen is my mother or Sadie is my sister.

Whatever.

Evidently, Karen is replacing carpet and she doesn't want to chance any of us (including herself) messing it up. For this reason, she is moving us to the home of Babs and Johnny while my house is up for sale.

She keeps telling us that we will have our own room and our own space and that she'll even bring our good kitty box with us.

I'm still not happy.

Babs and Johnny are simply not very appreciative of me. If I'm resting on the furniture I'm expected to move if one of them wants to sit. They act as if I'm a mad serial killer and go and get Karen to move me.

What do they think I'm going to do?

Never mind, I think we all know what I'm going to do. But I would like to point out that I've never actually killed anyone.

And then there's Jeff.

Karen swore to me that by the time we are staying with Babs and Johnny that Jeff and Sylvia (Jeff's very pregnant wife) will be gone and living in their new house. But it doesn't matter. Jeff will still come around. He's just like that. And we'll end up fighting again.

I can't be held responsible for my actions if a 6'7 250 pound man picks a fight with me. I'll have to defend myself.

Karen has promised this is not a permanent arrangement. She swears up and down that we'll only stay until the house sells and then we'll move again to a new house.

Still, I like my house.

My Own Ailments
Karen has decided I have a "rash" (flaky skin is a more accurate description) on my neck underneath my collar. So she took off my collar last night and put some moisturizer on my neck, which made my fur kind of sticky and smelly but whatever. The great part of not wearing a collar is that I can sneak up on people now. I love it. I've snuck up on Sadie about twenty times today. She's in a paranoid fit as I type, looking around the corner on ledges, etc., waiting for me to pounce. I even got Karen this morning. I hid under the sink and when I heard her entering the bathroom I jumped out and bit her on the ankle. She again said things which are not appropriate for good society and threatened to put my collar back on.

Whatever.

Anyway, that's been the drama I've dealt with this week. I'm exhausted thinking about it.