George Bush's Gut

Today is inauguration day.

I watched the festivities , as opposed to my normal afternoon routine of napping and grooming. Surprisingly, I found myself moved. And it wasn't ole Barry, my friends. It was what he brought out in audience. It was the seventy year old woman, and those like her, who saw and experienced segregation, who took a chartered bus from Atlanta to sit in the mall, freezing to death and witnessing history.

Most blogs will give you a nice uplifting soliloquy regarding the immanence of change and unless you are wealthy white dude, your future is quite bright.

The reality is nothing really changes. I'm not saying things won't get better, because, well, they usually do. Economies are cyclical and life turns around for whatever reason. Just remember that ole Barry doesn't have a magic wand and tomorrow the house down the street still might not have a "sold" sign on it.

It is what it is, my friends.

Anyway, enough of that. We hear at I Don't Pretend to be an Ordinary Cat are not particularly anti Barack Obama. We just aren't Kool-Aid drinkers, so to speak, for any politician. Think about it: if I didn't question authority, what would you people be reading? Nothing particularly interesting, my friends, that's for sure.

I've got a lot of concerns about this new administration: Obama is eloquent and good looking. What will I write about? Got me. My only complaint about ole Barry is he hasn't given me anything to complain about.

Yet, that is . . .

Anywho, I hope everyone is having a lovely January 20th. I'd like to end this will the best of George Bush the Sequel, just for the memories:

"This thaw -- took a while to thaw, it's going to take a while to unthaw."

"Anyone engaging in illegal financial transactions will be caught and persecuted."

"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." (I think this might be sarcasm)

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

"Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning?"

"Poor people aren't necessarily killers."

And, of course, my personal all time FAVORITE:

"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/ GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country."

And now a quote regarding ole George from the late Molly Ivins, who we would nominate for sainthood, that is, if the Vatican took sainthood nominations for non Catholics felines:

"Let me say for the umpteenth time, George W. is not a stupid man. The IQ of his gut, however, is open to debate. In Texas, his gut led him to believe the death penalty has a deterrent effect, even though he acknowledged there was no evidence to support his gut's feeling. When his gut, or something, causes him to announce that he does not believe in global warming -- as though it were a theological proposition -- we once again find his gut ruling that evidence is irrelevant. In my opinion, Bush's gut should not be entrusted with making peace in the Middle East." -- Molly Ivins

It's tragic we aren't going to get Ivins' perspective on Obama. Say what you will, but I would have a little more respect for our president if the queen all mighty of political writing was alive to take a swing at him. (Look at her writing about Bill Clinton if you don't believe me.) And that is why I miss ole Molly.

Go 'Stros

Kidnapped

Have you missed me?

Well, I haven't had the opportunity to post as last Saturday as I was kidnapped.

Yes, kidnapped

By Karen

First she kidnapped Sadie. Innocently taking a nap in the guest room, Karen grabbed her and shoved Sadie in her carrier. I knew at that moment I needed to stay sparse. But Sadie kept whining as Karen loaded other things into her car. It got on my nerves, so I walked downstairs to tell Sadie off. Then it happened:

Karen grabbed me and took me immediately to the car.

She continued to pack random things (including Sadie) and then we headed off. I protested the entire distance, pointing out that I expressly stated on a number of occasions that I had no intention of moving and that if Karen didn't take me back to her parent's house I would be forced to call the authorities.

Karen laughed at me. She simply doesn't take me seriously.

Anyway, we got to the new house and I looked around. It doesn't have stairs. How am I supposed to get my cardio? However, it has awesome windows and a tiled entry hall for naps.

Everything is basically unpacked. We are enjoying things and plan to post pictures soon. Right now I know I have other obligations to fulfill with you guys so let's move on . . .

Obama Overdose

I didn't watch the infomercial tonight.

Does that make me a horrible cat?

Quite frankly, I don't care anymore.

I Got Nothin'
Anyway, I'm exhausted. I gotta go

Go 'Stros

The Limbaugh Kidnapping

My Favorite News Story that I Missed Due to Ike sans Tina:

O.J. Simpson

I wrote about this last year:
http://penelopeandsadie.blogspot.com/2007/10/on-justice.html

Personally, I think it's wonderful-- O.J. Simpson might spend the rest of his life in jail over stolen football jerseys. What else can I say-- karma's a real bugger.

Open Letter to Rush Limbaugh

Dear Mr. Limbaugh:

Friday you mentioned that the three husbands of the women who called into your show today should be giving thanks because you listened to them and soothed their concerns regarding America turning to crap (my words not yours or theirs), thus said husbands will have a calm and tranquil evening upon returning home from the office.

Clearly, you have a false understanding of women. Yes, you did listen to them. Nonetheless, they are still pissed. I can guarantee these women probably are still whining about their fears regarding ole Barry, as they fix martinis for their husbands upon their arrivals home from work.

I've lived with a female human for seven years. I can listen to her rant and rave until I want to barf. It doesn't end until she decides she's ready for it to end. Period. It's called free will, bucko. The chickas have it. You, self-important radio man, simply do not have that control, regardless of whatever condescending crap speech you decide to spew.

If you feel that I am mistaken, please contact me. I will send you Karen. Karen will be very angry, as, no offense, she does not like you. If you can talk her out of the tree and, well, survive. I will concede I am wrong about your powers over the ladies.

I'm not seeing this as all that feasible. In fact, I have no idea how I would even send you Karen. I guess you could kidnap her. If you decide to do this, remember to take her cell phone because she's looking for a story to sell the Enquirer. Otherwise, I think she wouldn't be too difficult to nab.

-- P

Scenes from Karen's Family and Her Influence (or lack thereof) Over Them

Karen tried to get her family to appreciate Bridget Jones' Diary.

It didn't work.

I think her mom kind of liked it. Kind of.

Her dad said:

"Is this what we have to watch? Because this is seriously boring."

"Why can't we watch a western?"

So much for that, I guess.

More on Karen

Karen wants me to start posting pictures of her house.

Like a lot of them

All of the time.

In fact every time we chat she mentions pictures and I should post them.

First of all, the house right now looks like crap. I've seen the pictures. Granted there are walls and stuff, but mainly it's still a mess of concrete and coke cans with a Jiffy John in the yard. Furthermore, I've told you guys that I have no intention of living in that place, so why should I post pictures of it.

However, since I just mentioned to Rush Limbaugh that it would be OK for him to attempt a kidnapping of Karen, I probably should throw her a bone.

Here's the plan: I will post one picture a week in the sidebar of Karen's house. Just one. Not one hundred. Just one. I'm not doing it now though. I'll do it soon.

Anyway, I'm tired. I'm off to bed.

Go 'Stros

It's Been a Long Time, Rush Limbaugh

I've been kinda busy.

Actually, I haven't been doing much other than lounging around Karen's parent's house. But I have a plethora of loose ends to tie up, so let's get down to business:

Movie Recommendation from Penelope the Cat

Rent The Good German.

Speaking of Rush Limbaugh

Did you know that Rush Limbaugh has a subscription service? For fifty bucks a year you can listen to prerecorded radio at your convienience. You can also look at the variety of documents he references during his show and get access to his top secret "personal" email.

I totally want this.

Karen said no dice and suggested I find gainful employment.

I've Been Awarded

OK, months ago Reb, one of my many Canadian friends, gave me an "Excellent Blogger Award". Although I thanked her on her website a while back I haven't acknowledged this publically until now:

Dear Reb:

Thank you so much for the "Excellent Blogger Award". I'm sure this most high honor is probably of the same level of prestige as a Nobel Prize. Since Nobel winners get a million dollars, I'm assuming I will be receiving a similar amount. However, my check has not arrived. Do you have my mailing address? Karen told me she'd be willing to cash it for me, as I am a cat and do not have time for such frivolus details as modern banking. Just let me know what I need to do.

-- P

So what else can I tell you . . .

Karen and George
Karen is tense. She's stressed about the house stuff (long story). Anyhoo, Karen was driving to visit Sadie and me and the typical half hour drive took over an hour. You wanna take a gander at why? It seems that George the Sequel was in Houston for Dr. DeBakey's funeral. So traffic was nutty between the airforce base and downtown.

I think it would be a kick if George flew coach.

More Freaky Politics

Did you people hear about this?

http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=news/local&id=6280419

Basically, all of the local congressmen (including former presidential candidate Ron Paul) were on a plane leaving Houston and heading to D.C., only to make a sudden emergency landing in New Orleans.

They were going to vote on an aviation safety bill.

The Big Announcement

Soon we here at I Don't Pretend to be an Ordinary Cat are planning to implement a new feature:

What the Crap Wednesdays

Basically, all the things we find annoying, bizarre, whatever will be featured every Wednesday. I've sent Karen out and about in Redneck Hell taking pictures. She's stockpiling some really awesome stuff.

However, she won't give me anything until after the house sells and we are moved.

But stay tuned, my friends, stay tuned.

Sunday Morning News Shows

OK, you know what the discussion was on ALL of the uberimportant Sunday morning news shows?

McCain's commercial.

Have you seen it?

Well, regardless let me give you my new favorite mantra:

"The three most boring topics of conversation are: Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, and the pigmentation of Barack Obama." -- George Will

And that's all I'm sayin' about that.

So Penelope, we've been watching CNN with baited breath, hoping you were safe during this "tropical storm". Are you nice and dry???

The answer to this question is, yes, I am quite nice and dry, still hanging out at Karen's parent's house. Tropical storm Eduardo was basically a bust, at least for us. Karen, who is still at our old house, which is way closer to the coast, is stuck at home, enjoying what has amounted to roughly a half inch of rain.

I plan to write more about all of this in a couple of days, as the whole experience is pretty ridiculous.

So stay tune, readers, stay tuned. . .

Rush Limbaugh at Studio 54

The news right now is very boring. I am tired of HillBilly, Barack or Barry, or whoever.

But I caught this story right out of jolly old London and I totally think it's great:

http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/politics/threelinewhip/june2008/borisalcoholban.htm

Evidently, up until the beginning of this month it was perfectly OK to drink in the London subway. I was not aware of this. Although I've never been to London, I can't imagine that it would be a good idea to drink openly on public transportation.

Maybe that's just my puritanical American side coming out, I don't know.

Anyway, some Londoners, celebrating the "last days of disco" and posting it on YouTube, made the public transportation a real adventure. Some of the footage is put to Abba's "Dancing Queen" and some of the footage is just raw.


In the background of some of the footage you can hear drunken Londoners shouting "Boris is a wanker". (Boris Johnson is the mayor of London).

That's classy.

I wonder what Bridget Jones would say about this?

Anyway, so if you were planning a trip abroad this summer, just remember, leave you liquor back at the hotel, as you can't consume in the tunnel.

Sex and the City . . . Not So Much???

I read somewhere that the Sex and the City Movie, which was the number one grossing movie its premiere weekend, has an audience of 85 percent women.

Why is this surprising?

What surprises me is how passionately men feel about:

a. Not seeing this movie

b. Sarah Jessica Parker being positively unattractive

Actually, I get A. It was a television show geared to women; why would the movie be any different? Karen, who saw all of two episodes during the entire run of the series, isn't planning on seeing the movie because she never identified with the characters.

"It's like the seventies came back and bought expensive shoes," Karen pointed out, regarding the promiscuity.

Operation Rush Limbaugh
OK, I'm working on the email.

Does anyone have Mr. Limbaugh's address?

When it's finished I'll be sure to let you see it.

Enough about other people who really don't matter-- I want to talk about me

Karen is almost done with the house-- finally.

This has been very uncomfortable for me, by the way. First of all, she's packed up a lot of our stuff. Second, she keeps moving the cat box around the house, so it doesn't "mess up" the part of the house she considers "finished". So basically, when I have to go, I have to hunt down the box. Since the carpet guy is coming Saturday morning, she decided that Sadie and I needed to stay at her parent's house.

I am so put out.

So here I am like a refugee in the home of Karen's parents-- indefinitely. Karen will come and visit half of the time.

"So who will feed us?" I demanded from her before we left. "Who will take care of the box? Who will clean up the Sadie vomit?"

Karen promised her mom would feed us regularly. She also promised to see me at least every day or two and promised that she would clean the box and any vomit that may occur.

On the bright side, Karen's parent's house is four times the size of our old home. They also have lots of places to sunbathe and their bed is set up in a way so that when I crawl under it, Karen can't drag me out easily.

Karen told me that she expected me to "be nice and helpful" during my time visiting. This is obsurd, obviously. First of all, I've never been "nice" at Karen's parent's house. Why should I "be nice" now? It would confuse them. Furthermore, Karen's parents don't want my help any more than I'm willing to offer it. They should be greatful that I'm honoring them with my presence. I'm sure their life will be much more enlightened now that I'm staying with them.

A Request from Karen
Several months ago, Karen read about a saint you were supposed to bury in the yard for good luck when selling the house. Which saint was it? Where can she get one?

Naked Garage Ladies and Hillary Clinton

What can I say today?

Actually, I don't have much to say at all. Life has been kind of boring this week.

I noticed the other day two of our neighbors have large posters of naked ladies in their garages. I thought this was interesting, so I asked Karen to go and take some pictures for me to share with you guys. And she refused.

"I am not going to sneak into anyone's garage to take pictures of a poster of a naked woman so you can post them on the internet," she told me. "My neighbors might be redneck misogynists, but that's an invasion of their privacy.

"Besides, one in three homeowners in Texas are gun owners."

There is no way anyone on our street even knows what "misogynists" means. They just don't. Furthermore, from what I gather with the garages used as living rooms, I don't think anyone is too worried about privacy.

As far as the guns go, well, that's just a part of life. Karen should be willing to take a bullet for the blog.

Don't you think?

Chicken

So because Karen is such a freakin' girl, I can't show you the naked garage women in all of their coolness.

Anyway . . .

Both Barack and Hillary are in Texas this week. I'm excited about this because it's been a long freakin time since Texas actually mattered in the primaries. This is ridiculous, by the way. It makes absolutely no sense that stupid freakin' Iowa gets to go first. What the crap do they contribute? Besides, it's cold there.

I was thinking that I should interview both of these characters for my glorious readers. So I asked Karen if she would schedule them for interviews at the house. I was willing to offer them a lunch which Karen would prepare before she left for work.

Karen refused to help me with this as well.

"I don't personally know either Senator Obama or Senator Clinton," she told me. "Besides, I don't want Bill Clinton in my house. He creeps me out."

I didn't invite Bill Clinton. He can hang out in the neighbors' garages for all I care.

I have got to get a better staff.

Anyway, I need your help. Could you please call Senator Obama and Senator Clinton for me? Tell them to shoot me an email and I'd be more than happy to schedule them into my busy day.

I'm pooped out. Get those calls made. The Senators I'm sure will be very interested in spending an afternoon with me, as I am an incredibly relevant cat.

But not that long of an afternoon. Remember I sleep eighteen hours a day.