The Limbaugh Kidnapping

My Favorite News Story that I Missed Due to Ike sans Tina:

O.J. Simpson

I wrote about this last year:
http://penelopeandsadie.blogspot.com/2007/10/on-justice.html

Personally, I think it's wonderful-- O.J. Simpson might spend the rest of his life in jail over stolen football jerseys. What else can I say-- karma's a real bugger.

Open Letter to Rush Limbaugh

Dear Mr. Limbaugh:

Friday you mentioned that the three husbands of the women who called into your show today should be giving thanks because you listened to them and soothed their concerns regarding America turning to crap (my words not yours or theirs), thus said husbands will have a calm and tranquil evening upon returning home from the office.

Clearly, you have a false understanding of women. Yes, you did listen to them. Nonetheless, they are still pissed. I can guarantee these women probably are still whining about their fears regarding ole Barry, as they fix martinis for their husbands upon their arrivals home from work.

I've lived with a female human for seven years. I can listen to her rant and rave until I want to barf. It doesn't end until she decides she's ready for it to end. Period. It's called free will, bucko. The chickas have it. You, self-important radio man, simply do not have that control, regardless of whatever condescending crap speech you decide to spew.

If you feel that I am mistaken, please contact me. I will send you Karen. Karen will be very angry, as, no offense, she does not like you. If you can talk her out of the tree and, well, survive. I will concede I am wrong about your powers over the ladies.

I'm not seeing this as all that feasible. In fact, I have no idea how I would even send you Karen. I guess you could kidnap her. If you decide to do this, remember to take her cell phone because she's looking for a story to sell the Enquirer. Otherwise, I think she wouldn't be too difficult to nab.

-- P

Scenes from Karen's Family and Her Influence (or lack thereof) Over Them

Karen tried to get her family to appreciate Bridget Jones' Diary.

It didn't work.

I think her mom kind of liked it. Kind of.

Her dad said:

"Is this what we have to watch? Because this is seriously boring."

"Why can't we watch a western?"

So much for that, I guess.

More on Karen

Karen wants me to start posting pictures of her house.

Like a lot of them

All of the time.

In fact every time we chat she mentions pictures and I should post them.

First of all, the house right now looks like crap. I've seen the pictures. Granted there are walls and stuff, but mainly it's still a mess of concrete and coke cans with a Jiffy John in the yard. Furthermore, I've told you guys that I have no intention of living in that place, so why should I post pictures of it.

However, since I just mentioned to Rush Limbaugh that it would be OK for him to attempt a kidnapping of Karen, I probably should throw her a bone.

Here's the plan: I will post one picture a week in the sidebar of Karen's house. Just one. Not one hundred. Just one. I'm not doing it now though. I'll do it soon.

Anyway, I'm tired. I'm off to bed.

Go 'Stros

Colin and Ike-- Although Unrelated

Sadie and I are tired of Karen and her people hanging around the house during the day. They've got to go back to work. Period. It's driving me nuts, as I've got things to do and I can't do any of them as long as those people are roaming around bothering me.

Offense Taken

Tell me your thoughts on this:

A couple of Sundays ago, I was sitting on a chair at the kitchen table, just casually enjoying my morning when a certain six-year-old approached me and said, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha I'm going to church and you aren't."

Exactly how am I supposed to take this? This child, who was thankfully leaving shortly thereafter, is taunting me regarding church attendance? My feelings are very much hurt and I might not ever go to church again if this is the attitude they are taking.

"Penelope, do you really want to go to church?" Karen asked me when I mentioned this slight.

Actually, no, I'd rather spend the time napping at home during one of the few moments when it is completely empty, thank you much.

But that's besides the point.

My Gift to You

In Karen's sheer boredom (her school experienced some Ike damage, so she isn't returning to work until Wednesday) we've watched Pride and Prejudice in pieces since the power returned late Sunday/ early Monday. We've enjoyed it so much that Karen suggested we show weekly clips of the whopping six hour version from 1995.

I decided that was a little much. I thought it would be more enjoyable for my readers to show our favorite Colin Firth moments. So, via YouTube, we now have a new feature:

Colin Firth Moment of the Week.

"Why don't you have a George Clooney moment of the week as well?" Karen suggested.

I told her that would be going just a bit too far. But it's something to consider for the future.

Anyway, I went to YouTube to find some clips and whatnot and there are some really freaky Firth fans. I mean, granted, Karen announce rather excitedly during one of the opening scenes of Mama Mia that she "loved" Colin Firth, but it was pretty loud with all those other middle aged ladies singing and drooling and whatnot. But there are Firth collections put to music all over YouTube. That takes time and dedication, my friends.

I chose the air guitar scene for my first Firth Moment of the Week from What a Girl Wants. It's by far not my favorite Firth moment, but I'm saving those for later.

If you haven't seen What a Girl Wants, it's a nice, sweet family movie. Basically, Amanda Bynes goes to England to find her father, who is a British Lord (Colin Firth). It's good PG fun.

Other Things

Down the street from Karen's parents house is a Point of Delivery (POD) location, where dudes in camouflage Hummers (I'm totally not making this up-- I thought the Canadians invaded or something) distribute food, ice, water, etc. Anyway, Karen won't get in line and bring me one of those FEMA self heating meal things. I really wanted to write about how these things work. Heck, I was going to bring to you people FEMA Fridays or something of the sort, but noooooooo, Karen won't get in the line for a mere three or four hours to get me some demonstration models.

Whatever.

More Other Things

The 'Stros are experiencing post traumatic stress disorder I guess due to ole Ike. Why else would they be sucking so incredibly much as of late??? This is one of those moments in which I would think the 'Stros should really reconsider their game plan of not using gloves before the 4th of July. But what do I know . . .

Anywho, I've got to go. It's time for my late afternoon nap.

Go 'Stros

We Survived Immanent Death and Destruction

I'm bored.

I'm bored of 24/7 continuous coverage of Ike. We know it wasn't good. We know there are only two open gas stations open in a twenty mile radius. We know that most grocery stores do not have anything sellable in the frozen food section. We know that basically no one is going to school this week.

But I would really like to watch The Office come Thursday.

However, I will say that we are blessed:

We have power.

We have food.

We have a roof.

We don't have a tree in our dining room.

We don't need to go to the POD (place where ice, food, and water are given out).

I have plenty of kitty treats.

The weather has been FABULOUS the last few days: high today of 81, low of 59, and virtually no humidity.

Canadians, this is really good. We've spent since May with low of 95 high of 103 with humidity hovering at 100 percent.

We have Internet and cable access. Actually, as soon as the power returned Sunday night we had Internet. Cable returned the next morning.

And I am happy because:

Sarah Palin is no longer cooperating with the whole "I tried to fire that scumbag of a soon-to-be ex brother-in-law" investigation, as it is "tainted". I totally love this story as on many an occasion I've wanted to do something like that, but didn't because, well, I didn't want to have to explain to Karen exactly why Sadie was no longer living in the house. It would just be too complicated.

This looks like a totally great drama. Everyone (except for me of course, as I'm completely evil) is so freakin' supportive of the whole knocked up teenage daughter thing that I'm totally ready for some nastiness. I don't care on what topic, either. Everyone right now is behaving and being supportive because we all just avoided "immanent death". It's getting old. I'm ready for some drama.

Anyway, I'm off to take my afternoon nap. The world needs to return to normal, as I'm not only tired of being nice and sympathetic, but I'm also getting irritated with all these people hanging out at the home front during the day.

Go 'Stros.

Ike: We've Gotta Get Back to Our Originally Scheduled Programs

By the way, I got this from Rush Limbaugh:

On NATIONAL RADIO it was said that the good citizens of Galveston were facing "immanent death" if they chose not to leave their homes due to pimp daddy Ike and his bitch slapping of the gulf coast. (I am so using as many Ike Turner references as I can muster today.)

Let me explain this a little better as apparently the national media is a bunch of histrionic asshats.

Probably the good people of Galveston are not facing "immanent death". Probably, if you live on the west end of Galveston, which is unprotected by the seawall, you are a complete dumb ass for not evacuating two days ago. Probably if you live on the Bolivar peninsula, you are a complete dumb ass for staying, as ferry service stopped last night, the road which leads to Winnie washes out if someone cries, and, most likely you are guaranteed to lose power and water for a LONG PERIOD OF TIME. Although your situation is not great, I'm not seeing "immanent death". I do predict it highly likely that you will be called an idiot by a member of the coast guard when they rescue you off the roof, though.

However, there are things that could possibly kill you during natural disaster. Let me give you some examples:

1. If you decide it would be pretty cool to walk around the neighborhood barefoot, which is underwater by roughly two feet, and get bitten by a snake, you could totally die.

2. If you decide if would be fun to drive to Kemah (where most of the roads are roughly one foot under sea level) to see what's going on at the Boardwalk, which, well, LITERALLY has no boardwalk anymore and you get hit on the head with a piece of flying debris (winds are right now at 35 mph on the coast and the eye won't even cross land until roughly midnight tonight). You could die.

3. If you really like your neighbor's brand new plasma and you "think" they evacuated-- so it would be really cool to loot, just remember this is Texas. You have about a one in three chance of NOT GETTING SHOT.

4. If your neighbors are crazy rednecks and didn't clear off their porch you could be decapitated by that old tire iron which has been sitting in their front yard for six months when it's propelled through your front window. Yep, that would kill ya.

5. If you thought it would be really cool to experience 120 mph winds in a trailer in Bacliff, yep, you could die.

6. If you get into a fight over the last pack of cigarettes with that old lady attached to an oxygen tank, who Karen saw smoking outside the one and only grocery store open within a twenty mile radius today, you could, possibly, die.

7. If you decide to "hit those bitchin' waves" tomorrow morning and get slammed into the seawall. It is highly likely you will die.

8. If you decide to replace a light bulb in your kitchen, which is already four feet underwater, you could die.

9. If, out of sheer boredom, you start drinking tonight and continue well into tomorrow, and later in the evening get into a verbal sparring match with a cop regarding curfews, open container laws, and golf carts, you could get arrested. If, while sitting in the cell at the Clear Lake Shores police department, rising water begins to appear, yeah, you could die.

10. If tomorrow sounds like a good shrimping day to you and you decide to act on the impulse, you could possibly die.

As for me, I am right now safe and dry with Karen at her parent's house. It's windy and we most likely will sleep downstairs for the evening just because of the noise. Being that we aren't particularly close to the coast, I'm not too worried about out safety.

But stay tuned sophisticated readers. If I have Internet access, I'll post in 24 hours. . .

Go 'Stros

Our House in the Middle of Our Street

OK, I've got a lot of stuff to cover, so let's get to it:

Correction
It was brought to my attention that Karen's mom also helped with the ceiling fan installation (see previous post). I happen to rather like Karen's mother as she is far better at taking care of my needs than Karen who is right now limiting my food intake to exclusively the food which gets put in my bowl. Probably, I'm not moving with Karen. My current plan is to stay right where I am.

Anyway, for this reason it is very important that I recognize her and tell her how much I love her, despite the fact that she practically almost killed me when throwing a towel in the laundry room this evening.

The Story Which Made My Life Worth Living This Morning
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/republican_race/2008/09/03/2008-09-03_teen_mom_support_group_jamie_lynn_spears.html

Does it make me completely evil that I find this so wonderful?

OK, I know that probably I'm completely evil for other reasons. Whatever. I still find it funny.

OK Penelope, like a bunch of people entered your little contest, and you didn't give the answer to the trivia question. What gives?
A while back I posted a little trivia question:
http://penelopeandsadie.blogspot.com/2008/08/my-former-town-mondays-hopefully.html

First of all, NOBODY actually got the question 100 percent correct. Travis, Reid (who are Texans) and Joshua were close, but not exact. The answer is:

Dusty Hill

Dusty Hill is in the rock band ZZ top. He owns a waterfront monstrosity in San Leon, Texas (the town next door to Kemah) which shares a zip code with our former hometown of Redneck Hell. Apparently, he is tired of living in greater Redneck Hell and has decided to sell his house. Much to our relief, buyers preferred Karen's house to Mr. Hill's (perhaps it is the lack of zebra print carpet-- I don't know) as his is still on the market and Karen's is not.

Plus who wants to live in 12,000 square feet when you could have a nice cozy existence in 1,295 square feet? It's much more efficient. And who needs "waterfront"? That just sounds like a big problem waiting to happen.

Karen's Big Announcement
OK, I was under very strict instructions not to mention this to ANYONE, as Karen didn't want to say anything until the monkey of her other house was off her back.

She's getting a brand new house. Here it is:

http://www.perryhomes.com/images/floorplan_pdfs/1495.PDF

Karen is all excited, picking out carpet, tile, counter tops and the lot.

As you can tell from the picture above it is a little scary right now. Karen swears it'll get better before anyone is expected to live there.

Whatever. I'm still refusing to move. It has no stairs.