I am the Elizabeth Taylor of the feline world.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

The Mexican Divorce No Longer

I would like to dedicate this post to Rush Limbaugh, as according to Wiki, he's been married THREE times. Republicans, think about you mouthpiece. You're playing with fire when you get rid of the simple "no fault" divorce.

That and I need blog hits.

I've got a story for you:

http://www.totaldivorce.com/divorce_articles_get_divorced_in_texas.asp

I hope this link gets you to where you need to go. If it doesn't let me explain:

Rep. Warren Chisum (R-Pampa) introduced a bill into the Texas legislature giving couples a choice between the marriage licenses. One is called a "covenant" the other is a "standard" license. Under a "covenant" license, one may only be granted a divorce in "adverse circumstances".

What exactly are adverse circumstances?

Basically, domestic violence.

Then the couple has to attend both psychological and clerical counseling.

This is the second time the idea has been proposed. It was heard last year in the Texas house and voted down. (Imagine that, a ridiculous idea voted down in Texas Congress. The logic is freaking me out.) Now it is appearing again.

There is also a discussion about allowing the "no fault divorce", under the covenant plan, if all parties are willing to take a class beforehand.

Which brings me to another episode of Masterass Theater:

The I Wanna Divorce Class

This, of course, is merely speculative.

So don't sue me, A Rod, Madonna, Christie Brinkley, Christie Brinkley's husband, whose name I'm too lazy to look up, A Rod's wife whose name I'm also too lazy to look up, and Guy Richie.

Don't hate me because I'm lazy.

Scene: This play takes place in the Sunday school classroom at a local Baptist church. (It just had to be Baptist-- if Madonna had to attend the divorce class wouldn't it just be awesome that it be in a Texas Baptist church?) Chairs are in a circle in the center of the room. From clockwise: Patty Goodwill, a licensed professional counselor (LPC), who is a perky blond about thirty, Madonna, Guy Richie, A Rod, A Rod's Wife, Christie Brinkley, and Christie Brinkley's husband.

Patty Goodwill: OK, let's start out by introducing ourselves. My name is Patty Goodwill. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor and have been practicing for three years. Our purpose today is to explore options available to you other than divorce.

Madonna: My name is Esther--

Patty: Excuse me? I thought you were Madonna?

Madonna: Madonna is my performing name. My Kaballah name is Esther.

Patty: Oh

Madonna: I am a Golden Globe winning performer. My concert tour was the highest grossing of the summer of 2007.

Patty: How lovely (looking at Guy) and you are?

Madonna: (a little annoyed she was cut off) He's my husband Guy Richie, the famous director.

Guy: (smiles) Hi

A Rod: I'm A Rod

Patty: Is A Rod what we should call you?

A Rod: Yeah, I don't remember my legal name. I'm a professional baseball player for the New York Yankees. This is my wife and she's pretty pissed.

Patty: How so?

A Rod: Basically, I've been screwing Madonna.

Patty: Let's not say "screwing", A Rod. Try to be a little more sensitive.

A Rod: I'm sorry--

Madonna: Wait a second. A Rod and I are just good friends. I introduced him to the Kaballah--

A Rod's Wife: (angry, looking at Madonna) Oh, and I suppose the late night visits and the pictures of him leaving your apartment were Kaballah studies. Don't call me stupid, SKANK.

Patty: Let's calm down, please. (looking at A Rod's wife) I know you must be very troubled right now. It would be very helpful to you to use more concrete language so that we understand your anger.

A Rod's Wife: I think SCANK is pretty concrete.

Patty: OK . . .

Christie Brinkley: (tossing her blond hair over her shoulder) I'm Christie Brinkley, eighties supermodel. I'm here because my husband is addicted to porn and 18- year- olds.

Christie Brinkley's Husband: I'm the husband.

Madonna: Oh please

Christie Brinkley: Excuse me?

Madonna: Christie, I've known you since Studio 54. You really cannot still be this stupid.

Patty: Name calling is absolutely unacceptable--

Madonna: (Turning to Patty) I'm talking. (Back to Christie) Anyway, how many times have you been married?

Christie: Four

Madonna: Four times. And you STILL are picking idiots?

Christie Brinkley's Husband: Hey--

Christie: But we had a near death experience together--

Madonna: So? I had near death experiences with both Charles Barkley and Warren Beatty. That certainly doesn't mean I should marry either. Look at the list, babe. You were married to the race car driver--

Christie: I was really young then.

Madonna: Whatever. Then Billy Joel, who could be considered a race car driver, if race car drivers drink Peach Schnapps while racing and NASCAR is held on roads in the Hamptons. Apparently there was a third husband, who I don't know anything about, and this loser.

Christie Brinkley's Husband: I don't appreciate being called a loser by an aging club girl, who right now is a plastic surgeon's portfolio.

Madonna: (Sucking in air) I've never had cosmetic surgery. NEVER. I've aged well due to my exercise regiment, diet regiment and--

A Rod's Wife: Screwing EVERYONE.

Christie Brinkley: And a little Botox

Madonna: (screaming) THAT'S NOT TRUE. I don't use Botox.

Patty: (a little panicked) Hold on. That's not why were here. Let's take a step back from our individual anger and consider talking honestly about what you can do to salvage the relationship.

(a long pause)

Christie Brinkley: I got nothing.

Christie Brinkley's Husband: Me either. I guess I shouldn't have screwed the 18-year-old.

Patty: Again, let's not say "screw".

Christie Brinkley: Probably not.

A Rod: I should have stayed away from Madonna.

A Rod's Wife: Yep

A Rod: And Madonna's assistant

Madonna: Excuse me?

A Rod: And that dancer from Score's

Madonna: What?

A Rod: And that intern with the Yankees front office. Both of them.

Madonna: You CHEATED on me.

A Rod's Wife: The other woman doesn't get cheated ON, idiot.

Patty: Please, let's end the name calling.

A Rod: And who are you to talk, fleeing to Paris with ole Lenny.

A Rod's Wife: Lenny is a friend of mine. I needed to get away from all of this drama.

Madonna: Did you stay at his place in Monmatre? Isn't it great.

A Rod's Wife: (with a giggle) Totally

Patty: Madonna, er Esther, you haven't spoken about your relationship with Guy. What could you do to improve your marriage?

Madonna: Oh, we're not divorcing.

Patty: Excuse me?

Madonna: First of all, we have no prenump. If I divorce Guy, I'm out like 100 million dollars.

Guy: Try 300 million, dear.

Madonna: Greedy little failure, aren't you?

Patty: So why are you here?

Madonna: Well, the Hollywood drama divorce is really trendy right now and I'm just feeling out the turf.

The room is silent, as the group considers the concept.


A Rod's Wife: (turns to A Rod) I'm writing a tell all.

A Rod: Really?

A Rod's Wife: Really

Christie Brinkley's Husband: (turning to Christie) So am I.

Christie Brinkley: (annoyed) And what are you going to say? That you were sucking a $3,000 a month porn habit out of my checking account?

Christie Brinkley's Husband: Point taken

Christie Brinkley: (flipping her hair back) This is getting old. Patty it was a joy. I think you can tell that we are definitely divorce material. What would you do in my position?

Patty: (looking haggard) Drink. Give me the form and I'll sign it. (looking at A Rod and Wife) And you guys I assume want the same.

A Rod's Wife: Yep. (A Rod's wife's cell phone rings) I'm sorry I have to take this-- it's the PI I hired to go through A Rod's garbage. (Turning to A Rod) I hope you were good last night.

A Rod: (following his wife out of the room) YOU CAN'T DO THAT. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING AT HOME LAST NIGHT.

Madonna: (watching Patty pull out a third form) What are you doing?

Patty: I'm completing another one of these for you guys. I don't want to sit through this again and I'm not seeing your marriage lasting a lifetime.

Madonna: (shrieking) OF COURSE MY MARRIAGE WILL LAST A LIFETIME. I CAN'T LET JOKE OF A "FILM MAKER" TAKE ALL OF MY MONEY.

Guy: I won't take all, just half.

Patty: Whatever, I'm not spending another evening like this again.

(Madonna storms out of the room. The soon-to-be former Brinkleys exit as well.)

Patty (turning to Guy): So . . . do you have a plan in all this ridiculousness?

Guy: No. I just like to dangle the idea of divorce periodically. It's not like we see each other that much. We're not even in the same country most of the time.

END OF SCENE

In Texas we are all about protecting the "sanctity of marriage". We've got amendments to the already quite amended Texas constitution prohibiting certain populations from marrying and everything. My question is this:

Does making divorce difficult really do anything for protecting the "sanctity of marriage"? I guess, perhaps it makes people consider the whole picture a little longer and harder. But divorce is a real pain in the ass. Not to mention expensive. I asked Karen about this and she told me of all the divorced people she knows, she can only think of one she truly believes didn't give her marriage a true shot. She also knows one person who pondered divorce for roughly thirteen years before she acted on it.

I think I have a better solution: why not make GETTING MARRIED a little more difficult? For heterosexual couples, it's not difficult to marry. I think the license costs like forty bucks (someone correct me if I'm wrong-- the man won't allow me to marry). Maybe you should be evaluated beforehand. I don't know. It just seems pretty stupid to try and convince adults not to divorce at the point when they've already made the decision in their little pissed off brains.

Good luck with that.

6 comments:

k said...

heh. I lived in texas once. What a crazy-a place it was!!

Crabby McSlacker said...

Hilarious!

And don't get me started on the marriage thing... steam will start coming out of my ears and it's already too warm in here.

All I can do is keeping trying mess up straight people's marriages by staying with the same person for 17 years and having the audacity to try to formalize our relationship and get a few of the same benefits het couples do.

Grrrr....

Mom In Scrubs said...

This was great!! Unfortunately I imagine divorce is a very profitable industry, kind of like big oil.

While we're making getting married a little more difficult, can we do the same with producing offspring?

SUV MAMA said...

Amen to that. I don't care who marries whom. I care deeply who procreates.

Anonymous said...

Regimine, not regiment. Sorry, had to say it.

Penelope said...

Dear Anonymous--

You sir/ or madam are correct--it is regimine. I always appriciate a grammarian or a vocabularian whichever you prefer.

P