I am the Elizabeth Taylor of the feline world.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Don't Exploit the Hookers

Weird Google Hits

I'm getting weird Google hits.

Two things are bringing people to my site:

1. Rush Limbaugh's Cat-- Why is this? Is there that much interest in Pumpkin and her human companion?

2. "I've doin' it with class 'cause I got a big ass"-- This makes more sense. Thankfully, the perverts aren't posting comments. I guess they're disappointed.

If you were to ask me which of my posts bring the most people to this site, these two would not be the ones.

Oh well . . .

Don't Exploit the Hookers

I've got a really important lesson for all of you out in cyberland.

Are you listening?

OK, here it is:

If you are hanging out, say, in a bar, and if you are, say, drunk, and if it just so happens that somehow or another you end up in a trailer somewhere, and somehow your clothes escape your body, and a dude with a camera turns up ready to take pictures, don't sign the release form.

Particularly if your future includes the governor of New York and prostitution.


Ms. Ashley Dupre, at the ripe old age of seventeen, showed her ta tas for Girls Gone Wild. The poor, mislead, inebriated teenager signed a release. The lovely young lady's complaint is that Girls Gone Wild "exploit(ed) (her) image and likeness for their own financial gain at the emotional and physical expense of Ms. Dupré".

So let me get this straight: the hooker, who was charging the Governor of New York big bucks for sex, is upset with Joe Francis exploiting her nakedness?

If Francis superimposed a bin Laden beard or a habit on our lovely lady, yeah I see that as exploiting her image, but I would assume that nakedness and hookers go hand in hand. It's not exactly a career choice which promotes modesty or poor body image.

Otherwise, she'd probably be an accountant, right?

I don't mean to defend Francis. He's scum of the earth, no doubt, and I'm thrilled for as much of his empire as possible to be wasted away by legal fees, but come on. If she signed a release, drunk or not, she signed a release.

It's not like Joe Francis is hiding in bathrooms, snapping pictures under the stalls.


Go 'Stros

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

So Goes My Fabulous Self

Probably you already know this.
Probably you have April 25th circled in red on your personal calendars and have already begun talking amongst yourselves about appropriate gifts. I'm guessing someone has reserved Bungalow Eight for a private party.

I'm assuming that we'll spend the evening drinking martinis and talking about how fabulous I am. I can't drink much though as I weigh a mere thirteen pounds.

Anyway, for those of you who are not so culturally aware, April 25th is my one year anniversary as a blogger. I've thought of all kinds of things to commemorate this monumental day; the drunken freakin' rednecks I'm sure will shoot off fireworks. (They've done it every night this week-- why would Friday be any different???)

President Bush will probably hold a press conference and mention that Friday is now Penelope the Cat day. I'm guessing Senators Clinton, McCain, and Obama will drop my name in campaign speeches as well.
What shall they say???

Well, I'm not going to tell you what they will say. You should just watch CNN to find out, as I can't imagine they won't cover it.

Karen told me not to hold my breath. But she isn't as culturally astute as the rest of us.

So Friday, you should tell your friends to celebrate Penelope the Cat day by, well, doing what I would do:

1. Nap
Napping is very important, you know. Doing my job requires a lot of energy, so I must sleep at least eighteen hours a day.

2. Groom
I must look ever so fabulous, so about one of my three waking hours is spent in hair and make up (mainly hair).

3. Eat
A gals got to eat. I just wish I could get a hold of that chicken in the fridge.

4. Chase Sadie (or any other run of the mill pion willing to be chased)
Sadie is such an easy target. It's just too easy . . .

5. Sit on Karen's face (again, or any run of the mill pion)
I have needs. If my needs aren't met, I have to get testy. Time is not my concern; Karen needs to take care of her job, even if it's two in the morning when I run out of food.

6. Blog
How would you people know what to do if it weren't for my blog? You probably would be voting for actors and rednecks and Lady Macbeth and confused Baptist ministers and ambulance chasers and lawyers and . . .


Well, keep reading. You clearly need guidance.

7. Read a book.
Right now I'm reading Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse- Five in honor of my good friend Billy Pilgrim (kind of). I love Vonnegut-- his writing is so simple yet so profound.
Anyway, it's been a lovely year. I've made many a fabulous blog friend, which is great since my social life pretty much consists of Karen and Sadie, with the occasional trips to Karen's parents and a semi regular confrontation with the evil Jeff.
I love you all.
Go 'Stros

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I am Uplifted

Have you missed me???

We've been quite busy as of late. Karen is obsessively working on the house so we can get it on the market soon, as in the end of the month. It's been wild; paint dripped on me when I took a nap underneath the step ladder.

Karen should be neater.

What else can I tell you . . .

I've been reading Karen's emails lately and something has been bugging me: those cutesy little quotes that are supposed to be uplifting and inspiring. We here at "I don't pretend to be an ordinary cat" are neither uplifting or inspiring, even on a good day.

I prefer snide and cynical.

Anyway, Karen and I were discussing this the other day and she agrees with me as well. According to her, it would be more entertaining to have something wildly inappropriate, just to see if anyone would notice.


Thus, may I present to you:

Quotes I would put at the bottom of my email at work if . . .

A. I had a job.

B. I didn't care much about keeping said job.

C. I wasn't concerned about being sued.

"Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality." -- Oscar Wilde

"Any war that requires the suspension of reason as a necessity for support is a bad war." -- Norman Mailer

"A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika." -- Dorthy Parker

"In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination." -- Mark Twain

"Does it really matter what those affectionate people do-- so long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses!" -- Mrs. Patrick Campbell

"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed." -- George Burns

"Here's a tip for you: The next time you have the world by the balls, don't twist them." -- Drew Carey

"Sex is the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." -- Steve Martin

Go 'Stros