I am the Elizabeth Taylor of the feline world.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

And the Winner is . . .

When I won my blogging award last week, I was supposed to pass it on to five others.

I couldn't decide who to award, being so many important blogs out there in cyberland.

However, I take my obligations within the blogging community quite seriously. At the same time, my ability to follow directions is lacking.

What do you people expect? I'm a cat. We are not designed to do what people request. That would just be ridiculous.

So, of course, I changed the rules.

Weekly (or whenever I please) I will award a fellow blogger with a "You are no ordinary cat award".

Here are the rules:

1. You must post said award.

2. You must write an acceptance speech. You may steal speech from wherever, I really don't care. But you must post one.

3. You must send me your first born child.

Actually, Karen told me to scratch number three. She said we really didn't want a bunch of first born children running around here. It would crimp our bachelorette style.

If you do not follow the rules of the award, I will send Sadie to your house after feeding her a galloon of milk and a twelve pound bag of kitty treats. Trust me, you really don't want to incur this wrath.
My first award goes to my dear friend Robyn from Robyn's Nest.

Her link is to the right.

Why, do you ask, does Robyn get the first award?

The answer to this is quite simple: Robyn, a famous fashion designer, I'm assuming who works for Chanel, made me a poncho.

She's the only one who sends me gifts. So she gets the first award.

Are you crying foul? Sadie runs the complaint department. She's illiterate. Good luck with that.

Anyway, Robyn just opened an Esty Store. You should stop by and purchase a bunch of her ever so fabulous crafty stuff. Eventually, I'm will pose in an ad for this store. Robyn is working on persuading Steven Meisel to take the pictures and everything.

Anyway, that's all I have today. I'm going to bed as Karen is sick and she told me that if I wake her tonight for any reason other than a homocidal maniac running through the house, she would send me to live with evil Jeff.
Empty threat

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Other Thoughts on Ass Hats

First of all, I'd like to give a shout out to Mr. Shife. I linked him on my list of favorite blogs to your right.

Anyway, Mr. Shife used a most descriptive and appropriate phrase today. I wouldn't do it justice with a description, so I'll just use it:

"Ass Hats"

What does this even mean? I don't know, but doesn't it paint an awesome picture? I just love it:

Ass Hats

I'm going to start working it into the conversation.

Anyway . . .

Speaking of "ass hats" . . .

Penelope the Cat's Version of What Not to Wear

Dear Senator Clinton:

I understand that the world is totally giving you a raw deal, going after you physically in a way they wouldn't dare towards a man. But please do yourself a favor and DON'T wear the red suit to the State of the Union Address.

It reeks of Scarlet O'Hara, which isn't much better than Lady Macbeth.

Yes, we watched the State of the Union. This is because our flicker broke and Karen hasn't bought a new one yet. Karen didn't get up and change the station either because she is LAZY. So we were watching The State of the Union when I'm sure somewhere on the four million stations provided by our local cable company a really bad "reality" show existed.

Primary Questions
Katie Couric interviewed each of the presidential candidates and asked them what one book they would bring with them if they were elected president other than the Bible.

The responses were interesting:

John McCain: Wealth of Nations (Adam Smith)
Never read it. It's economics.

Barack Obama: Team of Rivals (Doris Kearns Goodwin)
Haven't read this one either. It's a Lincoln biography and from the Amazon description, I might try it.

Mitt Romney: John Adams (David McCullough)
I read this two or three years ago and enjoyed it for the same reason that ole Mitt did: I thought the relationship between John and Abigail Adams was sweet. This is not, however, my favorite McCullough-- I prefer Truman.)

Mike Huckabee: Whatever happened to the Human Race? (Francis Schaeffer and C. Everett Koop)
Never read it. It's about abortion, basically. Reader reviews are good. Only three copies are left on Amazon.

John "Senator Good Hair" Edwards: Trial of Socrates (I.F. Stone)
This is an interesting choice. One needs to know that ole I.F. is a rabble rousing journalist. (Is there anything better???) He plays the devil's advocate well. Anyway, The Trial of Socrates is worth reading if only because of the non martyr version of the philosopher.

Hillary Clinton: The Constitution (Thomas Jefferson) and The Federalist Papers (Alexander Hamilton, John Jay, and James Madison)
First of all, this response was made in snippiness and used as an attack against George the Sequel. I'm not necessarily against snippiness and general ruthlessness towards the boy who would be king, but the comment about the current White House loosing their copy was unnecessary. Just answer the damn question, Hillary. Take the high road. You'll look better in the end.

Anyway, Karen read The Federalist Papers in high school government class (Ms. Kellow, her favorite teacher, assigned it). This is a collection of writings to New Yorkers, appearing in a variety of journals, advocating the ratification of the U.S. constitution. Americans should read them.

Rudy Guiliani: The Federalist Papers

He claims to have a copy in his desk drawer at work.

I wasn't planning on discussing these choices. My plan was merely to mock the idea and to point out that most of these yahoos had their assistants reading such pretentious titles.

But then I was moved for about ten seconds and found each somewhat thoughtful and sincere.

I came to my senses when Hillary started bitching about the current presidency, though.

Anyway, here are some responses I, Penelope the cat, think would be far more entertaining and possibly a little closer to the truth:

"When I look for guidance I go to L. Ron"

"You know, I'm not much of a reader. I fall asleep watching reruns of Seinfeld"

"Anarchist Cookbook"

"My wife prefers Morelli over Ranger."

"Penthouse" (this is only funny if said stone cold serious)

"Catcher in the Rye"

"Books are obsolete now that Al Gore created the Internet."

"Dude, did you see that new one about Tom Cruise? Man, has Katie Holmes painted herself into a corner!"

"I prefer burning to reading." (another one only funny deadpan)

"I really like those Danielle Steele novels. I read them all afternoon while sitting on the couch, drinking Diet Coke and listening to Dr. Phil."

"I now know what women think, thanks to Dr. Gray."

Saturday, January 26, 2008

It's Nacho Cheese, Please

Karen ran to the grocery store this weekend for her mom. She needed several things, including a box of Velveeta cheese.

So Karen drove to the market down the street from her parent's house. This is the grocery store where her mom used to shop when she was a young child, although it has changed hands a number of times over the years. Anyway she found everything on the list except the Velveeta cheese.

She looked in all the obvious places, including next to the other cheeses, with the milk, and all around the refrigerator section. Frustrated, she finally gave up. When she got to the check out line she asked the checker.

"It's on aisle seventeen, next to the wine," the checker told her, as if it were obvious


Are we that unsophisticated at Karen's house? We were not under the impression that Velveeta cheese was served with wine.

It's almost worth clarifying.


You know, the cheese sold in giant blocks, used for things like nacho cheese dip???

On the wine aisle.
So next time you go to a swanky cocktail party you should ask for a cracker and some Velveeta to clear your palate.

I guess it has so many preservatives it doesn't need refrigeration. But with the wine?

This makes no sense.
If I wasn't putting it with the other cheeses, I'd place it next to the Rotel Tomatoes, or the tortilla chips.

But what do I know? I'm a cat and I've never even been to the grocery store, as the man won't allow me inside. Something about "sanitary" reasons, which is completely stupid, as I'm far more clean than your run of the mill four- year- old.
And they are permitted everywhere.
If the grocery store is anything like PetSmart, I have no interest anyway. All sorts of dogs reek havoc on that place. Some of them are like horses. Not to mention it smells like a combination of urine and wet canine.

Anyway, Karen was so amazed by the whole Velveeta next to the wine thing, that the woman shopping in her purple bathrobe was merely icing for the trip.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

A Myriad of Things

I have so much to tell you on so many different subjects.

Where to begin, where to begin . . .

Writing and Inspiration

Part of the deal with my little award was I have to give some writing tips. I've been thinking for a week about what I wanted to say on this subject. Then I ran across an interview with Janet Evanovitch on the Barnes and Noble website. Evanovitch, if you are not aware, writes the Stephanie Plum female bounty hunter books. They are totally great, hysterical, etc.:


Basically, this sums it up. I write for myself. I love to write and don't understand the fact that not everyone loves to write as well. That being said it's a total thrill when I go to my stat counter and see that people find my blog, return to it and continue to read, despite the fact that I don't correct typos which I notice three days after I posted (hence "sinding").

I love it when people comment. I really don't care too much what you say, I just like comments. Again, please comment. If not for any other reason other than to allow me the pleasure of visiting you. I've yet to come across a blog I didn't like.

Actually, that's not true. A while back I found a blog written by some guy who talked exclusively about "tail". I showed this to Karen and she called him a misogynist, amongst other things. I didn't comment on this site, as I have no interest in rabbits.


If I were to give a writing tip I would say to focus more on ideas and concepts as opposed to construction. The average reader only sees about one out of every third word. I'd much rather see brilliance than worry about comma splices and compound/ complex sentences. With basic knowledge of grammar, construction takes care of itself anyway through practice and perseverance.

Readers become great writers. The two are intertwined hopelessly. Reading improves vocabulary. It's a great spring board for ideas. Plus it give the writer exposure to a variety of styles, one might not ever experience without reading.

My best piece of advice is to LISTEN. I base most of my content on things around me, either in books, magazines, television, the radio, reality (as opposed to "reality"), etc. I'm not particularly inventive. I function on the absurd, but not the idiotic.

Well, that's not totally true. I love the idiotic as well.

I read somewhere that Steve Martin once pointed out that chaos in the midst of order is funny, but chaos in the midst of chaos is not. Think about it; that makes sense.

As for funny, I like funny, but I've never considered myself particularly humorous. I'm not quick witted. Perhaps that's why I like this mode of communication: I come across as far more clever than I actually am in reality.

That is my writing advice. What is next is me ranting about political baloney:

Walker Texas Ranger and the Godless Commie Destroyer

I decided to spare you guys my Ronald Reagan soliloquy, but I totally love this subhead, so I'm not changing it.

If I say Chuck Norris, does everyone know who I'm talking about?

I don't mean to sound insipid, but I'm not totally sure if ole Chuck is a Texas celebrity or a universally known character. Anyway, I just looked him up on Wiki and yes, I will now assume that the world knows of the Chuckster.

Anyway, it seems that Chuck is a born again Republican and a staunch supporter of Mike Huckabee. That's great. I'm always thrilled when actors throw their two cents into the world of politics as if they know something. Sometimes I even give them the benefit of the doubt before I openly mock them.

This is not the case today.

It seems that John McCain will be a whopping two years older than the oldest president ever to hold the office. (You people BETTER know to whom I am referring. I will not allow my audience to be culturally illiterate.) To me this is totally funny. Republicans worship Reagan.

I don't know what to say. In all honesty I like McCain better than Huckabee or Romney (Or the MIA Guilliani, who has decided to bet all or nothing on Florida. Hope those retirees show up at the poles, Rudy.), but I'm not a Republican, either. I think he has experience no other candidate (Democrat or Republican) possesses. Yes, with experience comes age. It's a double edge sword.

My thinking behind the age thing is this: when it's our time the great script writer in the sky will take us. End of discussion. In all honesty, I haven't considered McCain's age. I knew he wasn't forty, but he doesn't seem that old, either. Maybe his genes are good, I don't know. His mother is 95 and still drives, for crying out loud.

I just think the age issue is petty. It's not like any (and I mean any) of the candidates are particularly great.

What are your thoughts? Is McCain too old to run???

In Defense of Barack

There's a story going around about Obama. It claims he's a closeted Muslim. Since I don't live in the Obama household, so I have no idea firsthand whether this is true or not.

I'm not going to spend too much time validating or invalidating this, as it isn't my point. I've done the research and I'm seeing only evidence of exposure to Islam because as a child he went to school in Indonesia. This shouldn't be particularly shocking as Indonesia is primarily Muslim. His stepfather, who was in the oil business, was Muslim, although not practicing. His father, as far as my research showed was an agnostic or an atheist (born in Kenya educated in the U.S.). His mother was one of those who liked to expose her child to a myriad of beliefs and practices. As an adult he's been affiliated with the United Church of Christ for the past sixteen years.

This is not the point I want to make today though.

We have got to get over this Muslim thing in our country. If you are not knowledgeable of the Islamic religion here is a site with good information:


Don't get me wrong, I'm not a Muslim, nor am I proselytizing. I'm just saying that Middle Eastern terrorists are about as good of a representation of Islam as Jim Jones or David Koresh, or any of your run of the mill abortion clinic bombers are a great representation of Christianity.

Isn't this the "freedom of religion" country? Did I miss the part about freedom of religion as long as it's some strain of Christianity?


Let's go back forty plus years. John F. Kennedy ran for president during a time when people were scared of Catholics and the idea of the Pope being an influential figure within our government. Kennedy did wonders for Catholic acceptance in this country by basically TALKING about the role of Catholicism in his life and his philosophy of the separation of church and state.

Did you hear me? Should I repeat this concept again? It seems quite foreign in the post 9/11 era.


I don't think that was enough. I think I'll repeat it again in red font.


Do we have it now?

Mitt Romney attempted the same thing a few weeks back on Face the Nation.

I didn't see it as particularly successful. The questions people wanted him to answer he didn't. I ended the half hour feeling Romney avoided more about Mormonism than he answered.

It was a disappointment to me. I really wanted to see Romney show Mormonism in a positive light.

The reality is regardless of religion most people live their lives, are nice to their neighbors, and want their kids to do well in school.

Humans are quite predictable, but what do I know-- I'm just a cat.

What are You Thinking, Obama???

As you all know, I get sick and tired of political whining.

Now I'm going to gripe about Obama.

Apparently, last week Obama mentioned that Bill Clinton had a tendency to mislead people.

Really? Slick Willie misleads people?

I totally didn't know that.

We are talking about the same Bill Clinton who ten years ago (can you believe it's been ten years) argued the definition of "is", right?

Of course he misleads people. He's a politician. Because he's relatively charming we forget Clinton is a scumbag.

I know to some Democrats this is heresy. I've just done the equivalent of calling Ronald Reagan senile to Republicans, which may or may not have been true as well.


Please don't unite and burn down my house.

It seems the nasty season is well underway. May I ask why it was so freakin' important to start all this crap (and yes I do mean crap) early? So now it has to drag on almost a year?

I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

Plus there's nothing on T.V.

What shall I do???

Later on this week, I'll give out my awards. Right now I'm tired and going to hit the hay.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008


"I do love you, even if I used to be an opium addict."

-- L. Ron Hubbard

Explains a lot, huh???

This is me hiding from the Scientologists-- they are known for litigation.

If any of you, my readers and fans, are Scientologists, good luck getting anything out of me. I'm a cat and have nothing of what you humans call "money". I have no job or pockets. I live with Karen, who claims to also have "no money", or at least that's what she told me the other day when I asked her why we didn't have a driver and a staff like the late Leona Hemsley's dog.

Anyway . . .

Amongst journalists, a Scientology video is circulating featuring every one's favorite Scientologist Tom Cruise, expressing his hard and fast devotion.


This video has been removed from YouTube several times, as it's totally great. Cruise, at least in my opinion, comes across as both an egoist and a moron (interesting combination).

Catch it while you can.

Another point of interest: Andrew Morton's unauthorized biography of Cruise came out today. No, I'm probably not going to read it, as I have several other things I'd rather read, I'm not a big Morton fan (or a proponent of "couch trip" Cruise, for that matter) for a variety of reasons. However, if any of you guys have an interest in reading it, I'd sure love to hear about ole crazy Tom.

Allegedly crazy, that is.

Let's just say it this way: Brooke may be forgiving, but we over here at "I Don't Pretend to be an Ordinary Cat" are not that sort.


Monday, January 14, 2008

I Would Like to Thank the Academy

Jessica, a.k.a. "the SUV Driving Bitch Your Mother Warned You About", has bestowed upon my fabulous self my first honor as a feline blogger.

For this occasion, I have written an acceptance speech. Actually, I didn't "write" the speech; Tom Hanks, or someone who worked for Tom Hanks, wrote this in 1995 when he won the Oscar for Best Actor in Forest Gump. I'm just making it fit my purposes.:

Thank you. I'm standing here in lieu of my fellow nominees who are just as deserving, if not more so of this moment.

Hold on. This is totally inaccurate. No one is more deserving of this award. I am Penelope, the all knowing and fabulous cat. What's amazing to me is that no one has seen it fit to award me with anything before now.

I'm standing here because of an army of people who over the course of a back-breaking schedule worked much harder than I did and who had much more at risk if our efforts were not successful. This is to be expected though. As we all know I am a cat and as a species we simply aren't that prone to menial tasks.

I'm empowered to stand here thanks to the ensemble of bloggers, men and women, who I shared the vast cyber universe with and who in ways they will never understand made me a better blogger. We share, we read, we comment, we love.

And I am standing here because the woman I share my life with has taught me and demonstrates for me every day just what love is. [I roll my eyes as Karen attempts to kick me off the couch so she can use the computer.]

Man, I feel as though I'm standing on magic legs in a special effects process shot that is too unbelievable to imagine and far too costly to make a reality. But that might be the excess of kitty treats I ate this afternoon . . .

But here is my mark, and there is where I'm supposed to type, and believe me, the power and the pleasure and the emotion of this moment is as constant as the speed of light. It will never be diminished, nor will my appreciation.

And the meaning between two simple words that I can only offer you here: Thank you, God bless you in this room and God bless you all around the world.

Anyway, now I'm supposed to share this award with five other of my fellow bloggers and give three writing tips. In due time I will complete this task. But not right now. I am a cat after all and all of this plagiarizing has made me very tired, so I'm off for a nap.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Epistles of Chuck

As I've mentioned a couple of times, the American legal system is quickly going down the toilet. Normally, when I make this observation it applies to O.J. Simpson or the like. However, I discovered the greatest and most fabulous legal issue since Anna Nicole Smith went head to head with the heirs of the J. Howard Marshall estate:

Chuck Rosenthal

If you don't live in Houston, you might not be privy to this story. However, if you do reside in greater Houston, unless your habitat is under a rock you've been bombarded with the latest and greatest soap opera in the county DA's office.

Where to begin . . .

Harris County District Attorney Chuck Rosenthal is up for reelection. Somehow Rosenthal missed the lesson on common sense in the 21st century workplace which tells one that if one must carry on or attempt to woo one's executive assistant, one really ought NOT document the events via EMAIL.


Actually those emails were fairly tame. A local news station got hold of them and put them on the web. I was looking forward to the literary raunchiness of a Charles and Camilla circa 1990ish (if you don't know-- look it up), but merely got a bunch of "I miss you"/ "I love you" crap. There was a statement about hiring "hot interns" made by or to a work cohort (oh, and Rosenthal is totally Brad Pitt-- lemme tell ya), but to me that was the worst in the batch.

Initially, I defended Rosenthal. Yeah, he's a scumbag, but that doesn't mean he's not good at his job. I didn't see anything that horrific in those emails. Besides, this isn't 1690. Scumbags are all over the place in the workforce, according to Karen. She said they are frequently the source of much gossip and fodder, making the day worthwhile.

Besides, lots of people use their work email for all kinds of personal communication. Granted, I see a difference between Rosenthal emailing his lover/ potential lover/ whatever at work and say Karen emailing a friend about what time they are meeting to go see a movie. But is it truly that different? Technically, it's still using workplace tools for personal use.

That was my original stance on all of this. Thank goodness I didn't post before Christmas.

It seems that whispering sweet nothings into the computer of his personal assistant and the potential of sexually harassing college students is just the tip of the iceberg. After a fairly intensive search through his email, it was discovered he had all kinds of racist, pornographic, and generally naked stuff on his email. The problem, though, is not receiving such crap. The problem is when one forwards it to others.


For the last week, the first news story on the local news broadcasts is the Rosenthal emails, typically including an example. I've seen the footage of this woman in a yellow tube top sitting on a bench when suddenly a man comes behind her and pulls her top down like a hundred times due to this drama. So basically within the first ninety second of the local news we see a topless woman on a bench with a black oval covering her unmentionables.

Every freakin' night.

I'd like them to vary it a little. From what I've heard there is other footage.

Or better yet, maybe a anchorperson could just say, "You know that Rosenthal story we've been entertaining you with since before Christmas? Well, we're going to forgo the footage of the nudie emails and just get to today's latest.

Anyway, I asked Karen about her work email. She said she made a point of not giving her work email out to anyone who wouldn't need it for work purposes.

"I have a personal email address," she told me. "That's what it's for."

Good point.

At this point in the story, after much persuasion, Rosenthal agreed renege on his reelection campaign, although he would not resign. Democrats are pulling a "it's past the deadline, he has to run" to ensure a victory. Republican ladder climbers in the DA's office are attempting to chase down the nomination.

Anyway, it gets better.

It seems that some of the nasty emails came from one Dr. Siegler, the husband of assistant DA Kelly Siegler, who is one of the fore mentioned ladder climbers. Siegler is known for such courtroom dramatics as straddling a man on a bed to demonstrate how a woman could not "accidentally" stab her husband forty times.

So then Siegler tries to distance herself from her husband, saying that he's an idiot for sending emails like that. This made sense and for a brief moment I wasn't holding anything against Siegler except poor taste in men and her tendencies towards the dramatic.

But then came Lakewood.

It seems that in the context of selecting a jury in a death penalty case that Siegler wanted to remove a juror because he was a member of Lakewood Church and all members of Lakewood are "screwballs and nuts".

If you are not aware, Lakewood is supposedly the largest church in the United States. It's weekend attendance hovers around 50,000.

That's a lot of people for someone running for office to piss off.

This is the dramatics on Houston local news. The irony is that Mr. Rosenthal is in bigger trouble for something else:

He was also using his state computer, paid for by the residents of Harris County, for campaign work. Stuff like "come to the Bar-b-Que" and "buy a t shirt for your little ones". In Texas, this is a big no, no.

Forget adultery.

Forget offensive emails.

Forget computer porn.

Just don't solicit coworkers during campaign season.

Freakin' crazy

Friday, January 4, 2008

Hit Me Baby One More Time is Probably the Problem

"[My son] Casey died for a country which cares more about who will be the next American Idol than how many people will be killed in the next few months while Democrats and Republicans play politics with human lives."- Cindy Sheehan

Isn't that the truth!!!

By the way, there are 3,908 American casualties in Iraq since the invasion.

So what can I tell you: America has finally demonstrated a little faith in a presidential candidate of African heritage and guess what's "breaking news"???

Crazy-ass Britney

Headline News (I'm guess HN is a CNN style news station-- I don't know), was broadcasting live today outside an LA courtroom for the latest breaking news in the Britney Spears drama.

Why the crap is this "latest breaking news"? As I've said before who cares?

Furthermore, unless you've been living under a rock for the last year you should know that ole Britney is chemically, postpardumly, or some other garden variety of nuts. For this reason, coverage of Spears' latest drama is completely unnecessary.

Sorry guys, it's an election year.

We've got a wholly disaster in the middle east.

Osama released another tape.

All of this and a 24 hour news station has nothing better to do than send reporters to a Los Angeles courtroom and Cedar Sinai???

What a country!