Happy Holidays

We have several of issues on the agenda today, so let's get to it:

SUV Mama

First of all, my good friend Jessica, aka "The SUV Driving Bitch Your Mother Warned You About" has restricted her blog to invitation only.

Well, I want an invitation.

If you know ole Jessica, please share this information.

Or if you are Jessica-- I wanna read your blog!!!

Christmas 2008

I spent Christmas at Karen's parent's house with Sadie and Chuck the dog. As you know we hate Chuck the dog for obvious reasons.

He drools.

He eats my food.

He jumps around.

He is a pleaser, which is completely ridiculous.

I tried to kill Chuck the dog and Karen stopped me. She pointed out that Chuck outweighs me by five pounds or so. I pointed out that Chuck the dog's eyes are on the side of his head and can't run in a straight line. He also has the attention span of a gnat.

Karen told me to knock it off because, as she said, it is Christmas and Jesus wouldn't approve of a homicide on His birthday.

Some people are just so hard to please.

Guest Room

We now have a guest room. Karen bought a mattress yesterday, it was delivered last night, and she set up the room this afternoon.

So now my blog reading friends, next time you are in Houston you may stay with us. Just don't bother me.

2008-- The Year of the Ass Hat

I first heard the term "ass hat" from my good friend Matt Shifely. Thus, we're giving him credit for it. Anyway, when thinking back on 2008 I couldn't think of anything to say other than, "Man, what dumb asses". So that's our theme for the year end review.

I'm holding out to write it though. Who knows what other ass hats could resurface???

Another Fabulous Winner

I'm giving my second award to my good friend Jessica. She writes the blog entitled "The SUV Driving Bitch Your Mother Warned You About". I happen to love Jessica. Personally, I don't see her as a bitch. I see her as knowing what she wants. I know what I want, too, so I totally understand how one can misinterpret decisiveness for bitchiness.

Jessica has two kids and a husband and works voluntarily as a domestic engineer. The domestic engineer position is not all it's cracked up to be, by the way. It requires significant patience and organization, of which I have none. Nevertheless, Jessica perserveres and excels, I'm sure.

Jessica lives in Colorado and has a house up for sell. So if you're into Colorado real estate, you should let her know.

Anyway, I enjoy reading Jessica's blog. She's very insightful (a link to the left).

Now let me remind ole Jessica of the rules: you have to post the award, write an acceptance speech, and DON'T send me your first born child. Karen said I would have to be in charge of all first born children while she was at work, and I just don't think that would be a good idea for anyone involved.

Please also remember there is a penalty for noncompliance. I would really hate to stuff Sadie with milk and kitty treats and have Karen march her over to your house. It would be most tragic for all Coloradans.

Anyway, stay tuned for more fabulous Penelope the Cat stuff. These are some topics in which I plan to discuss the week:

Atheists and Myspace

"Working the Pole" and MSNBC

Whatever crap I decide to inflict upon you next

Toodles

I Would Like to Thank the Academy

Jessica, a.k.a. "the SUV Driving Bitch Your Mother Warned You About", has bestowed upon my fabulous self my first honor as a feline blogger.

For this occasion, I have written an acceptance speech. Actually, I didn't "write" the speech; Tom Hanks, or someone who worked for Tom Hanks, wrote this in 1995 when he won the Oscar for Best Actor in Forest Gump. I'm just making it fit my purposes.:

Thank you. I'm standing here in lieu of my fellow nominees who are just as deserving, if not more so of this moment.

Hold on. This is totally inaccurate. No one is more deserving of this award. I am Penelope, the all knowing and fabulous cat. What's amazing to me is that no one has seen it fit to award me with anything before now.

I'm standing here because of an army of people who over the course of a back-breaking schedule worked much harder than I did and who had much more at risk if our efforts were not successful. This is to be expected though. As we all know I am a cat and as a species we simply aren't that prone to menial tasks.

I'm empowered to stand here thanks to the ensemble of bloggers, men and women, who I shared the vast cyber universe with and who in ways they will never understand made me a better blogger. We share, we read, we comment, we love.

And I am standing here because the woman I share my life with has taught me and demonstrates for me every day just what love is. [I roll my eyes as Karen attempts to kick me off the couch so she can use the computer.]

Man, I feel as though I'm standing on magic legs in a special effects process shot that is too unbelievable to imagine and far too costly to make a reality. But that might be the excess of kitty treats I ate this afternoon . . .

But here is my mark, and there is where I'm supposed to type, and believe me, the power and the pleasure and the emotion of this moment is as constant as the speed of light. It will never be diminished, nor will my appreciation.

And the meaning between two simple words that I can only offer you here: Thank you, God bless you in this room and God bless you all around the world.

Anyway, now I'm supposed to share this award with five other of my fellow bloggers and give three writing tips. In due time I will complete this task. But not right now. I am a cat after all and all of this plagiarizing has made me very tired, so I'm off for a nap.