I am the Elizabeth Taylor of the feline world.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Small Ones, Victoria Beckham, and the Paparazzi-- All at Karen's Parents House

Karen brought Sadie and I over to her parent's house. I don't know why-- she just did.


Anyway, it was just a normal visit.

That is, until Karen showed me the Halloween costumes her mother made for Sadie and I.

Oh, for the love of God.

I'm a cat, for crying out loud. I don't wear a costume for Halloween. This isn't one of those issues in which I'm willing to compromise, either, like don't torture Sadie on Sundays. I have my principles, which include no cavorting around dressed like a ninny. So, no, come Wednesday night I WILL NOT be answering the door, handing out the candy to the little urchins dressed like Hannah Montana or the like.

"Oh, Penelope, you look so cute," Karen said as she dressed me, much to my mortification.

Karen will get hers. She might not know when or where, but she'll get hers.

That's bad enough, right? Well it gets worse.

Saturday afternoon other people came over to visit, bringing with them "small ones". Evil Jeff brought his small one, that woman who typically brings Toby the dog brought her small one, another lady brought her small one, who wasn't particularly small, which seemed to be an ongoing joke, and her larger small one, who has no fear of God (or me) whatsoever.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the attraction to these small ones. They are cute and smell nice, that is, unless they are vomiting or defecating on themselves. However, one day I see them and they are cute small ones who don't move around much. The next day I see them and they are quite mobile, pulling my tail, poking my eyes, and eating my food.

See my point?

Finally, I escaped to the stairwell. Typically, this is a safety zone, as most people don't want their small ones running up and down the stairs. But then came another problem:

The paparazzi.

Somehow the paparazzi joined us at this event. I didn't recall seeing Britney Spears or Victoria Beckham waltzing through the door. Perhaps they were in disguise. Whatever. But these neerdowells were in full force, predominately taking pictures of the small ones.

One of the paparazzi evidently heard I was in attendance at the party. She attempted to take my picture with a cell phone. Obviously, I don't work with the Paparazzi. Thus as she approached me I hissed at her. She then backed off a little and told Karen (And exactly what is Karen supposed to do-- does anyone think Karen can keep me from speaking my mind? Hasn't happened yet . . .), who started griping at me about being "rude".

"It wouldn't hurt you to cooperate, every once in a while."

But it would be wrong somehow, don't you think?

Anyway, that was my weekend. I'm still recovering. So I'm off to bed.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Questions for You from the Cat

I have a list of questions I'd like someone to answer:

1. Why is it "breaking news" when Britney Spears gets arrested? First of all, who cares? Second, it's not like this doesn't happen semi regularly. Thus, is it really "breaking" news?

2. Why does the news crawler on E! run so damn slow? The thing creeps at a sloth's pace to the point I can't read it.

3. Does it bother anyone else that Joel Osteen, leader of the largest "mega church" in the free world, has virtually no doctrine and skirts every hardcore question asked to him? Don't get me wrong, I can't help but like "the smiling preacher", as he puts forth such positive energy, but the emperor has no clothes. Is this an issue with anyone else?

4. Why doesn't Bruce Springsteen get nailed like the Dixie Chicks for being what some call "anti- American"? He's taken on Bush the sequel, Reagan, a plethora of conservative issues, but yet no one is threatening his life or starting boycotts. Is it the difference between audiences? Got me, but it sure is interesting . . .

5. Did you see the Senator Craig interview on Dateline? Did the wife come off a little flaky? Did you giggle when they showed the old footage of Craig calling President Clinton " . . . a bad boy - a naughty boy. . . a nasty, bad, naughty boy” on Meet the Press?

6. I'm beginning to find Matt Lauer attractive. What are your thoughts on this?

7. Am I the only one who wants to grab Paul McCartney by the shoulders and shake him while shouting, "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING MARRYING THE ONE LEGGED CHICK WITHOUT A PRENUMP"? That is, other than his older children. . .

Those are my questions. I'm now leaving. It's time for my late evening nap.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Justice Served Not Yet

I am furious:


I am a proponent of the Vienna Convention and World Law. And somebody really dropped the ball on this one.

Why wasn't this man informed that as a Mexican national, he had the right to contact the Mexican Consulate? Why didn't someone drive down to the Mexican Consulate and bring an attorney to him, whether he wanted one or not?

This is probably one of the most disturbing murder cases I've run across. Five boys (or young men), as part of a gang initiation, raped, sodomize, and strangled two girls (fourteen and fifteen) in a park in Houston in 1993. Four were sentenced to death. One was a minor and sentenced to forty years. The first execution took place last year.

This young man in question bragged to others about keeping one of the victim's Mickey Mouse watch as a souvenir.

I cannot think of a situation in which the death penalty was more appropriate. We are not talking about a situation in which DNA evidence was questionable, witnesses shady, etc. He confessed. Everyone confessed. There wasn't much point not. The group bragged about it and a relative called the authorities a few days after the fact.

I don't know what the options are at this point.

A new trial?

That's a waste of tax money. Days and days of presentations so that a jury can spend a whopping twenty seconds in a secret ballot vote, determining that this man is the poster child for execution?

Set him free?

Only if he goes back to Mexico and becomes their problem.

I hate this is happening to the families of those girls. They've been through Hell and back again, only for this to happen. Granted, I'm not a big proponent of the death penalty, but this is one of those moments in which it's hard to argue against it. Those families are the true victims in this case.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

"It's not collagen-- it's silicone"

If you know anything about me, you know I despise "reality" shows, particularly "reality" shows with the sole purpose of self promotion.

I use quotation marks around the word "reality" because I question that concept. Those shows are not reality. They are contrived distortions of backbiting self-centered individuals, clawing their way to a spread in Playboy, or a date with-- I don't know, someone who values "reality" shows.

Anyway, VH-1 is the leader in the crap genre. When I discovered Rock of Love and Scott Baio is 45 . . . and Single I thought I hit rock bottom. But noooooooooooooo, it CAN get worse.

America's Most Smartest Model

First of all, this is GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT. What self-respecting model who claims intelligence would be on a show with a blazing grammatical error in its title??? Makes no sense to me. . .

Oh, but it gets better.

First competition was a spelling bee. This girl with giant lips had to spell "collagen".

Hee Hee

And then she said, "but my lips aren't collagen-- they're silicone".


Anyway, I'm not doubting the intelligence of any of these characters (even silicone girl), but this parade does border on the absurd.

In the living quarters, the bathrooms are pass coded and a question appears above the keypad.

Question one on the bathroom:

What year did Christopher Columbus discover America?

First of all, one learns in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL that Christopher Columbus, in 1492, discovered perhaps Central America or the Bahamas.

So yeah, this is quite a challenge.

I guess the producers valued the carpet in the living quarters over challenging questions.


Tuesday, October 9, 2007

"From My Cold Bare Hands"

That's Charlton "Guns n' Moses" Heston, by the way . . .

Human beings are so stupid:


Oh, this is a swell idea: lets give the go ahead to put a GUN in a high school classroom.

Before I begin, I would like to point out this educator is NOT in Texas.

A teacher in Oregon sued for her right to carry a gun into her high school classroom. She is concerned about a crazy ex husband coming after her at work. The Pro gun people are backing her ". . . natural, God- given (right to protect yourself)."

Whoa, cowboys and cowgirls. I totally buy the God- given right to protect myself. I take advantage of it daily. For instance, last night Karen rolled over in her sleep and smashed me. So I bit her on the shoulder.

Problem solved. I didn't pull out a revolver and blow her brains out. Who would clean the kitty box, after all?

OK, I will acknowledge that I am being trite. My minor inconveniences are not comparable to this poor woman's daily paranoia caused by a nutjob of an ex husband. That being said, do we really want another gun on a high school campus? Do we really want a gun carried by an individual who probably is a little jumpy anyway (for obvious reasons) and spends her day with teenagers, whose purpose in life is to make adults a little jumpy?

Besides, if her ex husband is that psychotic, I wouldn't want her teaching the youth of America until this issue is rectified.

That is, if I felt any affection for the youth of America, which I do not.

Did you know you are sixty percent more likely to shoot a loved one than an intruder in a home? Arm the teachers and the same statistic will prove true in education.

The woman has a license to carry concealed. Does this mean she's allowed to carry a gun wherever? Like PetSmart? I don't want anyone carrying a gun in PetSmart. Too many freaky things happen there.

In all honesty I despise the NRA. They hide behind the second amendment and refuse to enter the 21st century. Random acts of violence will not be solved by arming every Tom, Dick or Harry. Perhaps we should look at why these random acts of violence happen and devise a plan to address the bigger issue.

But we can discuss that another time. Karen brought home my copy of I am America. So I have to read for my review.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

On Justice

I've developed more of a faith in justice, but I'm still a cynic when it comes to the legal system in California:


Hee, hee, hee

O.J.'s "Rolex" is not a Rolex.

It was made in China.

I hope he gets lead poisoning, or it turns his wrist green.


All of this O.J. stuff has given me a renewed faith in universe; the man got away with butchering his ex wife and a complete stranger in a fit of rage. Now it is possible he might spend the rest of his life in a Nevada prison over stolen football jerseys.

That thrilled me Saturday morning, but this kept me talking:


According to Richard Roberts, son of Oral Roberts and ORU president, this all boils down to money.

Well, of course it does.

It cost $29,000 to send his daughter and friends to Florida for her "senior trip". (listed in financial records as a "evangelical trip of the President"-- Evangelicals Gone Wild???).

This totally makes sense. I bet Mr. Roberts and his family walked the beaches looking for poor intoxicated college and high school students, hoping to spread the word and change their lives.

Some concern was mentioned about Mrs. Roberts $800/ monthly cell phone bills.

I totally get this as well. Mrs. Roberts has to make her calls. What I don't get is why is she sending "hundreds of text messages . . . between 1 a.m (and) 3 a.m.".

Text messaging requires effort. Personally, I don't understand why anyone does it. Leave a voicemail, for crying out loud.

More so, I'm concerned about the texts, which were going to "underage males who had been provided phones at university expense".


Karen was concerned about the "$39,000 at one Chico's clothing store in less than a year". According to Karen, she hasn't seen $1,000 worth of anything worth buying in Chico's in the last year, much less $39,000. Has she ever heard of Talbot's? Nordstrom's perhaps? She's plunking down a lot of cash; why not Neiman's or Sak's? After all, "as long as (she) wear(s) it once on TV, (she) can charge it off".

Oh Jeez

It was the televangelist Oral Roberts back in the late eighties who told the viewers of his show that if he didn't raise eight million dollars for the university, God would "take him home". Since his fundraising endeavors were successful, God didn't "take him home". Instead, he allowed him to semi retire in the great state of California.

I wonder what donors think of their givings now . . .

Oh well.

Friday, October 5, 2007

Moon River . . .

For the last ten days or so, Sadie has been getting behind the blinds and meowing very loudly at God knows what at ungodly hours. This behavior is annoying me and really pissing Karen off.

So what to do . . .

Karen, incoherent at two am, usually just yells at her to get out of the blinds. Once she threw a paperback copy of The Grapes of Wrath at her. (Is there meaning behind this? I don't know.) Typically Sadie immediately gets off the window ledge and hops back in the bed with us. However, usually we go through this about three times a night.

Karen is becoming less patient with my feline counterpart.

Today she asked me if I thought Sadie was howling at the moon, since she only does this in the middle of the night. I told her that cats don't howl at the moon.

"All cats?" Karen asked me.

"All the cats I know," I replied.

"What cats do you know?"

Point taken.

So apparently, Karen thinks Sadie is some form of werewolf, howling at the moon. I can't say I particularly enjoy the behavior, either. I just refuse to get worked up over Sadie's ridiculousness.


Monday, October 1, 2007

He Moves in Mysterious Ways

Yesterday was Craig Biggio's last game as a professional athlete.

Why do you ask is Craig Biggio remarkable?

1. 3,000 (plus) hits

2. Fifth on the all time doubles list

3. Played for the same team for TWENTY years. This, by the way, is an unheard of and much a contrived effort. He CHOSE to stay in Houston when he had opportunities to play elsewhere, for a larger paycheck, at other points in his career. Due to free economies, loyalties are anomalies in professional sports, and when it appears has to mean something.

4. Big time supporter/ advocate/ contributor to Sunshine Kids (provides opportunities for kids with cancer).

5. U2 plays every time he bats.

6. Sprints to first base every time he puts the ball in play.

7. Is judgemental about athletes who don't sprint to first base every time he puts the ball in play.

8. Commonly takes one for the team physically. Biggio holds the modern record for being hit by a pitch (285 times). How many times did he get to take first base and score due to the fact that he wasn't scared of (or crazy enough to think this was wise) a ninety- plus mph fastball plunking him God knows where? Got me, but if the dudes willing to do it, who am I to judge?

9. Promotes the "whatever it takes" attitude. For the team, Biggio played catcher (changed to second base to prolong his career), second base (changed to outfield to make way for Jeff Kent), outfield (changed to second base when Kent left for L.A.-- good freakin' riddance), and back to second base. He's the only player in major league history to be an all star as BOTH a catcher and second baseman (voted all star, not named to team).

10. The greatest Astro to don the star. Say what you will about Nolan Ryan (only a decade-- bastard Dr. McMullen), Jeff Bagwell (riddled with injuries), and Roger Clemens (mercenary), but none of these have the years of service AND the records as a 'Stro.

Anyway, I hope Mr. Biggio enjoys his retirement at the ripe old age of 42. He will be missed.

The season (at least for the 'Stros) is over. Only five months until spring training.

Go 'Stros (2008)