"It's not collagen-- it's silicone"

If you know anything about me, you know I despise "reality" shows, particularly "reality" shows with the sole purpose of self promotion.

I use quotation marks around the word "reality" because I question that concept. Those shows are not reality. They are contrived distortions of backbiting self-centered individuals, clawing their way to a spread in Playboy, or a date with-- I don't know, someone who values "reality" shows.

Anyway, VH-1 is the leader in the crap genre. When I discovered Rock of Love and Scott Baio is 45 . . . and Single I thought I hit rock bottom. But noooooooooooooo, it CAN get worse.

America's Most Smartest Model

First of all, this is GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT. What self-respecting model who claims intelligence would be on a show with a blazing grammatical error in its title??? Makes no sense to me. . .

Oh, but it gets better.

First competition was a spelling bee. This girl with giant lips had to spell "collagen".

Hee Hee

And then she said, "but my lips aren't collagen-- they're silicone".

Wow.

Anyway, I'm not doubting the intelligence of any of these characters (even silicone girl), but this parade does border on the absurd.

In the living quarters, the bathrooms are pass coded and a question appears above the keypad.

Question one on the bathroom:

What year did Christopher Columbus discover America?

First of all, one learns in ELEMENTARY SCHOOL that Christopher Columbus, in 1492, discovered perhaps Central America or the Bahamas.

So yeah, this is quite a challenge.

I guess the producers valued the carpet in the living quarters over challenging questions.

Whatever.

"If we put our boobs together we can think better."

Television in American has hit a new low Sunday evenings, brought to us by VH1:

Rock of Love

A bunch of gals compete for the love of one Bret Michaels, lead singer of the 80s hairband Poison. He doesn't have a steady chick, evidently.

He blames rock n' roll.

"Basically . . . rock n roll is an insatiable bitch goddess, but I love her. And I'm just looking for that one woman in my life to participate in that threesome."

Wow, he sounds great.

I told Karen about this and asked if she wanted to compete for the love of Bret Michaels. She declined.

The gals are totally great: they range in age from what looks like 21 to about 36ish-- IQs seem to mirror age, if you know what I mean:

My favorite line: "If we put our boobs together we can think better."

The gals have great credits to their resumes as well:

"I was named Miss Hooters of Illinois and I have the tools to get what I want because of that."

I was wondering: what does one have to do to become Miss Hooters Illinois? Is there a talent competition?

Whatever. This train wreck airs on Sunday nights 9 p.m. eastern standard time.

And if you are still desperate for "reality" television:

Scott Baio is 45 . . . and Single

Basically, the title says it all. Ole Scott wants to know what is keeping him from getting married.

The reference to women he doesn't know as "tail", perhaps?

Whatever

Anyway, Scott call his former gal pals and asks them what he did wrong in the relationship.

It comes down to one basic fact: he's an asshole.

I wish there was a nicer way to say it, but it's pretty simple. And I'm sorry all for all of those Happy Days fans who thought Chachi (sp???) was just the greatest thing since sliced bread, well, there it is. Get over it.

This winner airs Sundays at 10:30 eastern standard time as well.

Enjoy.

I think one will lose about four IQ points per minute when watching these.

I love America.

Land of the free.

Home of B and C list celebrities, their ladies, and the television networks who are too cheap to hire writers to create original programming.