I am the Elizabeth Taylor of the feline world.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Give Me Freedom or Expect Trouble

Karen spent today boxing up stuff in the house in preparation for our impending move. She'd get a box from the garage and start placing items in it which we won't be needing immediately. At first I sat on the stairs, watching her, and dozed. Then she started packing the chenille throws.

I like the throws.

I frequently sleep on them during my midday naps.

So it shouldn't surprise you that I didn't want Karen to pack them. It also shouldn't surprise you that I jumped in the box when she walked into the kitchen to retrieve a Diet Pepsi.

Then suddenly she threw a quilt in the box, right on top of me. This didn't make me happy, so I jumped out of the box in a fury. Karen wasn't expecting this and she stumbled backwards and landed on the stairs.

After a few profane statements, Karen got up and continued packing. I jumped back in the box. Karen then picked me up and tried to sit me on the couch.

This was unacceptable.

So I bit her on the hand.

Then she smacked me on the head and said I was "naughty".

Oh please. I'm not a child. Children are naughty. I'm assertive.

Anyway, I got out of her reach and jumped back in the box. Karen picked me up again. This time she dropped me in the downstairs bathroom and closed the door before I could escape.

I kind of like the downstairs bathroom. Since no one is "housed" so to speak in the downstairs bathroom, the counters don't have a bunch of crap on them, as opposed to the counters in Karen's bathroom.

Anyway . . .

I turned on the water in the sink because I was thirsty. Karen didn't seem to care since I was out of her hair in the packing process. However, before I turned on the water I'd sat in the sink, in the process activating the plug.

Water filled the sink and began hitting the floor.

This is NOT my fault. Karen has no right to lock me up. It's wrong.

When Karen heard the water hit the tile, she came in screaming at me about "Driving her nuts".

"Do you want to destroy my house?" she said to me, waving her hands all about. "Do you really?"

I wasn't moving towards mass destruction, no. I was just thirsty and bored.

Anyway, I'm tired of hearing about "destroying the house". I'm going upstairs to take a nap.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Naked Garage Ladies and Hillary Clinton

What can I say today?

Actually, I don't have much to say at all. Life has been kind of boring this week.

I noticed the other day two of our neighbors have large posters of naked ladies in their garages. I thought this was interesting, so I asked Karen to go and take some pictures for me to share with you guys. And she refused.

"I am not going to sneak into anyone's garage to take pictures of a poster of a naked woman so you can post them on the internet," she told me. "My neighbors might be redneck misogynists, but that's an invasion of their privacy.

"Besides, one in three homeowners in Texas are gun owners."

There is no way anyone on our street even knows what "misogynists" means. They just don't. Furthermore, from what I gather with the garages used as living rooms, I don't think anyone is too worried about privacy.

As far as the guns go, well, that's just a part of life. Karen should be willing to take a bullet for the blog.

Don't you think?


So because Karen is such a freakin' girl, I can't show you the naked garage women in all of their coolness.

Anyway . . .

Both Barack and Hillary are in Texas this week. I'm excited about this because it's been a long freakin time since Texas actually mattered in the primaries. This is ridiculous, by the way. It makes absolutely no sense that stupid freakin' Iowa gets to go first. What the crap do they contribute? Besides, it's cold there.

I was thinking that I should interview both of these characters for my glorious readers. So I asked Karen if she would schedule them for interviews at the house. I was willing to offer them a lunch which Karen would prepare before she left for work.

Karen refused to help me with this as well.

"I don't personally know either Senator Obama or Senator Clinton," she told me. "Besides, I don't want Bill Clinton in my house. He creeps me out."

I didn't invite Bill Clinton. He can hang out in the neighbors' garages for all I care.

I have got to get a better staff.

Anyway, I need your help. Could you please call Senator Obama and Senator Clinton for me? Tell them to shoot me an email and I'd be more than happy to schedule them into my busy day.

I'm pooped out. Get those calls made. The Senators I'm sure will be very interested in spending an afternoon with me, as I am an incredibly relevant cat.

But not that long of an afternoon. Remember I sleep eighteen hours a day.

Friday, February 15, 2008

2007: A Year in Quotes

When cleaning out files, I found this, which should have been posted almost two months ago. Anyway, enjoy!!!

The Best Quotes of 2007

"That's because I read it."

- Rep. Dennis Kucinich, explaining why he was the only candidate at the Las Vegas Democratic debate who had voted against the Patriot Act

"There were only two of them, but they made a whole frontage: huge, compelling, pneumatic. They burst out of tight red dresses--preferably red--or teased among feather boas, or flanked a dizzying cleavage that plunged to tantalising depths. These were celebrated, American breasts, engineered by silicon to be as broad and bountiful as the prairie. With them, a girl from nowhere--or from Houston, Texas--could do anything. The body behind them waxed and waned, sometimes stout as a stevedore's and sometimes almost waif-like, matching the little-girl voice; but the Breasts remained."

- The Anna Nicole Smith obituary in The Economist

"As always, I rely on the jury system."

- O.J. Simpson, after a judge refused to dismiss his latest criminal charges

"In Iran we don't have homosexuals like in your country."

-Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

"There's only three things he mentions in a sentence: a noun and a verb and 9/11."

- Delaware Senator and Democratic presidential candidate Joseph Biden

"I'm not going to get into a name-calling match with somebody who has a nine percent approval rating."

-Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid on Vice President Dick Cheney

"(I have) a wide stance when going to the bathroom."

-Senator Larry Craig

Do you have a favorite "Best of" quote for 2007? If so, please share.

2008 looks to be quite a year as well. But I'm not sure we'll ever beat "I have a wide stance in the bathroom".

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Myspace ain't Yourspace

Tonight on the local news the fourth story was about a sixth grader who was poking fellow students with an Exacto knife as they walked by his table in art class. Keep in mind that my local news is in the fourth largest city in the United States.

Just a dumbass sixth grader

Not even an Exacto gang of dumbass sixth graders

No one died

No one went to the emergency room

No one even had stitches

Again, just a dumbass sixth grader with an Exacto knife

I can't say much more. That is, other than, why the crap is this the FOURTH STORY ON THE LOCAL NEWS???

Anyway . . .

My good friend Jim over at "The Stars are My Destination" shared this with me:

Evidently, the 35,000 member "Harvard Award Winning" Atheist group was somehow deleted from Myspace, but now has been retrieved:


I have a question:
If the basis of a group is not believing something, what do they talk about?

"Do you believe in God?"

"No, I don't think so."

"O.K. then"

"Do you need proof of a Godless society?"

"Sure why not?"

There's only so much to say about something one doesn't believe in. Within five minutes or so, do they go to politics? What about crazy Britney? I'm really into this whole Roger Clemens did he/ didn't he do steroids thing, so if I were an atheist, I'd go there.

Anyway . . .

I don't know how Myspace works. Before the atheists were reinstated, I was planning on calling for a Myspace boycott, but I don't have a Myspace account, so that would be pretty stupid. Then I thought about suggesting that the atheists go over to Facebook and realized this really didn't have that much of an effect on my life, so I took a nap instead.

I'm not exactly sure what Facebook is, anyway. For that matter, the only thing I know about Myspace is that it's the place where the Feds catch all those pedophiles.

Since the atheists were reinstated to Myspace, I guess all is well.

Some of the Atheists believe that a right wing Christian group is responsible for having them deleted. I hope this isn't the case, mainly because what's the point?

To win an emotional argument (and yes, the existence of a God or many gods, or whatever, is an emotional argument, whether you see it that way or not), one has to appeal to another emotion. I don't know how one goes about convincing an atheist to become a Christian, but I can guarantee that deleting their forum ain't the way.

The "pissy" emotion does not win friends and influence people. Since I am a cat and far superior to all of you people, I am exempt from this rule.

For me pissy is endearing.

Anyway, I've gotta go. Stay tuned for "Working the Poles with Fred's Hot Wife".

Monday, February 11, 2008

Another Fabulous Winner

I'm giving my second award to my good friend Jessica. She writes the blog entitled "The SUV Driving Bitch Your Mother Warned You About". I happen to love Jessica. Personally, I don't see her as a bitch. I see her as knowing what she wants. I know what I want, too, so I totally understand how one can misinterpret decisiveness for bitchiness.

Jessica has two kids and a husband and works voluntarily as a domestic engineer. The domestic engineer position is not all it's cracked up to be, by the way. It requires significant patience and organization, of which I have none. Nevertheless, Jessica perserveres and excels, I'm sure.

Jessica lives in Colorado and has a house up for sell. So if you're into Colorado real estate, you should let her know.

Anyway, I enjoy reading Jessica's blog. She's very insightful (a link to the left).

Now let me remind ole Jessica of the rules: you have to post the award, write an acceptance speech, and DON'T send me your first born child. Karen said I would have to be in charge of all first born children while she was at work, and I just don't think that would be a good idea for anyone involved.

Please also remember there is a penalty for noncompliance. I would really hate to stuff Sadie with milk and kitty treats and have Karen march her over to your house. It would be most tragic for all Coloradans.

Anyway, stay tuned for more fabulous Penelope the Cat stuff. These are some topics in which I plan to discuss the week:

Atheists and Myspace

"Working the Pole" and MSNBC

Whatever crap I decide to inflict upon you next


Saturday, February 9, 2008

The Vacuum Solution

And now, another episode from Masterass Theater:


Leave it to a human female to use human growth hormones for reasons of vanity.

Allegedly, that is.

Let me give you the reader's digest version of this story:

Allegedly, according to Brian McNamee, former trainer to the stars and major league congressional stoolie, he injected Human Growth Hormone (HGH) in Debbie Clemens', wife of Roger, stomach before a photo shoot with Sports Illustrated, in which the Debster was supposed to appear wearing a bikini.

According to the article I found her concern to be "having a man, not her husband", injecting her in the stomach.

So is injecting illegal substances outside of marriage some form of foreplay???


I wasn't sure exactly why one would do this, so I did a little research on HGH and found this link:


Anyway, it still boils down to vanity. I asked Karen if she were posing for Sports Illustrated in a bikini would she use HGH.

According to Karen, HGH wouldn’t be her first move. Instead, Karen told me she would find someone who could attach vacuums to a variety of places on her body and just suck the fat out.

Then she would consider HGH.

"You have to prioritize the needs," she told me.

Anyway, I've been meaning to say some things about the congressional hearings, but have not due to time. This story I discovered today and couldn't resist. But now I want to talk about the important stuff:

We've all heard the back and forth blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, phone conversations, meetings, yes he did/ oh no he didn't, etc. baloney. Now we've got hypodermic needles, circa who knows when, allegedly stained with the blood of Roger Clemens.

Does anyone else find this creepy? It's like Monica Lewinsky having that dress after all that time with Clinton's, how should I say it, "little Bills" all over it. Why does one keep something like that around, if not for the purpose of extortion?

I'm not saying Clemens is as innocent as the driven snow. Professional sports are a nasty game and as I've said before, any time big bucks are attached to production, good luck with playing fair.

Regardless, Clemens should be careful. Barry Bonds didn't get indicted for possessing or using an illegal substance; he did however get indicted for lying about it under oath, as did Marion Jones.

Anyway, that's today's drama. And the good news: five days to the opening of spring training.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Phlem: It's nature's way of saying: "Dude, you're sick."

Karen has been fighting a cold since last week. She went to work like a good employee trying to quietly sabotage "the man" by getting everyone else sick, hence sending the American economy into an economic tailspin. Wednesday, Karen decided she had enough. Her throat hurt, she couldn't breathe and just was generally agitated. So she stayed home, and in the process was cramping my style.

5 am: Karen woke up. After realizing she wasn't going to work, she went back to sleep.

7 am: Karen woke up again finally. She stumbled downstairs, fed Sadie and I, and crashed on the couch.

7:05 am: Karen dozes and watched TV

10 am: Karen decides she needs drugs. Karen went to CVS to buy some hard core cold medication. She had to sign a form swearing that A.) Karen was not the CEO and president of a meth lab and B.) Karen would not use said product in any operation of said meth lab.

10:30 am: Karen comes home and crashes on the couch again.

11: Karen got bored of daytime TV, which consists of primary coverage, catastrophic tornadoes, and Heath Ledger.

11:03: Karen walks into the kitchen. She sees me sitting on the ledge in front of the kitchen window. Not overly happy, Karen scolded me and took me off the ledge.

This makes no sense. Karen says she doesn't want Sadie and I on the kitchen counter. I wasn't on the kitchen counter. I was on the ledge in front of the window, above the sink. I was sunbathing, for crying out loud. She never once saw me on the kitchen counter.

Who does she think she is? We don't live under the Patriot Act in this household. You have to have PROOF of these actions before she can start fussing and moving me.

11:05 am: I retaliated by biting Karen on the ankle twice as she walked upstairs, almost making her fall.

Hee- hee

11:06 am: Karen called me "homicidal", along with some other things I cannot repeat. I didn't think that was fair. I'm not saying I didn't make an attempt, but I wasn't successful. Therefore I don't think she can call me "homicidal".

Anyway . . .
11:23 am: Karen crawls back into bed. Puts Down with Love in DVD player

11:36 am: Karen falls asleep

2:00 pm: Karen wanders downstairs and plops down on the couch.

The couch is mine during the day. Everyone knows this. How dare she take my space?

2:20 pm: I am thirsty. Yes, I have a water dish, but that's not what I wanted. So I go over to Karen and start rubbing up against her hand as it dangled lifelessly from the couch. I got nothing. So then I jumped up on the couch and sat on her face.

2:21 pm: Karen started screaming at me, alleging that I was trying to kill her. I guess this was her way of refusing to turn on the water in the bathroom sink for me.
I am so about ready start feeding Sadie an excess of kitty treats and have her barf in the underwear drawer.

3:00 pm: Phone rings. I have no idea who called.

3:03 pm: Karen falls asleep AGAIN

4:30 pm: Karen decides she's hungry and fixes soup which she refuses to share with me.

5:30 pm: Karen falls asleep again.

7:00 pm: Watched Alfred Hitchcock movies (Vertigo, Rear Window).

8:00 pm: Karen realizes that she's delusional and can't possibly go to work. Calls in sick.

9:30 pm: Karen falls asleep

11:oo pm: Karen goes to bed

Thankfully, Karen is going back to work in the morning. She's functioning at about half capacity, but she isn't too concerned. I'm just relieved I'll have the house to myself tomorrow. After all, I'm a busy cat and I have plenty of things to do.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Superbowl Sunday

Although I knew today was Superbowl Sunday, I didn't know who was playing other than Tom Brady.

How could you not know Tom Brady was playing in the Superbowl???

Anyway . . .

I didn't even catch the whole game. We watched Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, because as you all know Karen is madly in love with Colin Firth. Anyway, it ended right as half time started, so we got to see Tom Petty, which was truly all we planned to watch of the Superbowl.
However the game was close: 3-7 Patriots.
So we stuck around, despite the fact that no one in my house has any interest in football (however we really liked the commercial with Will Ferrell).
I enjoyed that second half; the palpable excitement of the underdog win.
That's all I'm going to say about the Superbowl, as once again, I have no interest in such things. Let me tell you about what else I'm doing:
Book Reviews by Penelope the Cat
I am reading two books at the same time:
Book number one: "Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now" by Maya Angelou
This is a collection of essays, both fiction and not. It's been very enjoyable so far and I hope to share more in detail later this week.
Book number two: The Diving Bell and the Butterfly by Jean- Dominique Bauby
This one has been made into a movie. Look it up on Wiki-- the concept is intriguing.
Anyway, I'll give you more by the end of the week. That's all I'm saying right now.
Go forth and preach the word of Penelope. I'd do it myself, except I'm busy grooming . . .