I am the Elizabeth Taylor of the feline world.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Ike: We've Gotta Get Back to Our Originally Scheduled Programs

By the way, I got this from Rush Limbaugh:
On NATIONAL RADIO it was said that the good citizens of Galveston were facing "immanent death" if they chose not to leave their homes due to pimp daddy Ike and his bitch slapping of the gulf coast. (I am so using as many Ike Turner references as I can muster today.)
Let me explain this a little better as apparently the national media is a bunch of histrionic asshats.

Probably the good people of Galveston are not facing "immanent death". Probably, if you live on the west end of Galveston, which is unprotected by the seawall, you are a complete dumb ass for not evacuating two days ago. Probably if you live on the Bolivar peninsula, you are a complete dumb ass for staying, as ferry service stopped last night, the road which leads to Winnie washes out if someone cries, and, most likely you are guaranteed to lose power and water for a LONG PERIOD OF TIME. Although your situation is not great, I'm not seeing "immanent death". I do predict it highly likely that you will be called an idiot by a member of the coast guard when they rescue you off the roof, though.
However, there are things that could possibly kill you during natural disaster. Let me give you some examples:
1. If you decide it would be pretty cool to walk around the neighborhood barefoot, which is underwater by roughly two feet, and get bitten by a snake, you could totally die.
2. If you decide if would be fun to drive to Kemah (where most of the roads are roughly one foot under sea level) to see what's going on at the Boardwalk, which, well, LITERALLY has no boardwalk anymore and you get hit on the head with a piece of flying debris (winds are right now at 35 mph on the coast and the eye won't even cross land until roughly midnight tonight). You could die.
3. If you really like your neighbor's brand new plasma and you "think" they evacuated-- so it would be really cool to loot, just remember this is Texas. You have about a one in three chance of NOT GETTING SHOT.
4. If your neighbors are crazy rednecks and didn't clear off their porch you could be decapitated by that old tire iron which has been sitting in their front yard for six months when it's propelled through your front window. Yep, that would kill ya.
5. If you thought it would be really cool to experience 120 mph winds in a trailer in Bacliff, yep, you could die.
6. If you get into a fight over the last pack of cigarettes with that old lady attached to an oxygen tank, who Karen saw smoking outside the one and only grocery store open within a twenty mile radius today, you could, possibly, die.
7. If you decide to "hit those bitchin' waves" tomorrow morning and get slammed into the seawall. It is highly likely you will die.
8. If you decide to replace a light bulb in your kitchen, which is already four feet underwater, you could die.
9. If, out of sheer boredom, you start drinking tonight and continue well into tomorrow, and later in the evening get into a verbal sparring match with a cop regarding curfews, open container laws, and golf carts, you could get arrested. If, while sitting in the cell at the Clear Lake Shores police department, rising water begins to appear, yeah, you could die.
10. If tomorrow sounds like a good shrimping day to you and you decide to act on the impulse, you could possibly die.
As for me, I am right now safe and dry with Karen at her parent's house. It's windy and we most likely will sleep downstairs for the evening just because of the noise. Being that we aren't particularly close to the coast, I'm not too worried about out safety.
But stay tuned sophisticated readers. If I have Internet access, I'll post in 24 hours. . .
Go 'Stros


just bob said...

Hi Penelope... you and Karen take care of yourselves!

just bob

SUV Mama said...

Ditto that. Keep Karen dry. You know how humans are when they get wet.

I was expecting a post about how Karen's tax dollars go to saving the morons who stayed, Penelope.

billy pilgrim said...

i think drinking a case of beer and going outside to take a leak would also be dangerous.

Mom In Scrubs said...

Media. Can't believe a word they say, can't ignore them either.

Stay dry!

Melissa said...

Kitteh....you totally have more sense than most people I know. And actually more than my own two cats whose asses you could probably whup in both intellectual and physical contests. They are very cute, but dumb.

Mr. Shife said...

I am glad you and Karen are OK Penepole. Sorry about the Astros. Ike really screwed them up too.
I do believe your list is much better than the media's and would probably pass that along to CNN. The media needs all the help it can get.
Wouldn't it be cool if they started naming all the hurricanes after singers? I know Ike was kinda of dick but it would be nice to hear about Hurricane James Brown or Hurricane Michael Jackson. That would be one hurricane where the kiddies might be in danger. Hope all is well.