OK, Seriously, This Time I'm for Real

Yeah, remember last May when I told you I was back???

And then I really didn't come back.

This time I'm for real, believe it or not.

Here's the deal:

The seven-year-old laptop, in which the brilliant mastermind "I Don't Pretend to be an Ordinary Cat" was created, basically died last summer. It was very tragic. First, the keyboard became unusable. So Karen found an old desktop keyboard in the garage and connected it via USB port. Then it started running really really SLOW. So Karen got a bunch of pen drives and saved all the kajillion documents and pictures and so forth, hoping this would alleviate some of the problem.

It didn't.

And then one day in August the computer just died. It happened around the first week or two after Karen returned to work like a regular human, so Sadie and I could have some peace and quiet around here. Anyway, in her infinite wisdom, Karen decided not to run right out and immediately purchase a new computer.

"Technology doesn't need to be such a driving force in our lives," Karen told me, as she typed her kajillionth Facebook status update on the Blackberry. "I'm not sure I even want to replace it. I have a computer at work for basic needs. Plus, we should spend our time at home as a family, not bugged eyed from the artificial light of a computer screen."

Oh please. Karen has become so granola in 2009. She's into all this "natural" crap and exercise and whatnot. She reads books about Chinese medicine, for the love of all that is holy. She gets up three days a week at 4:30 in the morning and does Pilates or Yoga. It's getting on my freakin' nerves. She even, get this, suggested that Sadie and I start going on walks with her.

First of all, I refuse to be paraded via leash throughout the neighborhood for a myriad of reasons, the main one being that I am a cat and such behavior is soooo canine.

Period

Furthermore, if Karen was truly interested in my cardiovascular health, she wouldn't have uprooted me TWICE in 2008, only to settle in a one story home in an incredibly boring neighborhood. The only interesting thing that happens out here is the occasional rabbit getting into the backyard. We have no drunken rednecks or crazy neighbors or goats for my general entertainment through the day.

I mentioned this to Karen and suggested she talk to the woman who bought the old house and perhaps suggest a trade to her. Karen laughed at me.

So, Sadie and I do our best to stay in good health, chasing each other around the house, but it isn't the same without the stairs.

But I digress. . . back to my technology issue.

I told Karen that if she didn't replace the laptop soon, I would either leave, or pee in her bed, whichever would be easiest at the moment. So I sent her ridiculous self, along with the evil Jeff, the evil Jeff's not so evil wife Sylvia, Carlos, the evil Jeff's nephew, Myra, the evil Jeff's sister-in-law, and George, Myra's husband, out into the vast tundra of Texas late fall to stand in line at either Best Buy or Wal Mart.

"You people need to split up and divide and conquer," I told Karen and Sylvia at the Thursday strategy session, before my mid afternoon nap. "No one comes home unless I get a new laptop."

They must have taken me very seriously, as Karen left her parent's house in the early hours of morning and came home around eight with a box of modern technology.

However, I needed to set some ground rules with Karen in regards to allocating time for computer usage. We've agreed that Karen should not spend more than ten or fifteen minutes in the evening on Facebook crap. I feel that it is my duty as a far superior being to post at least one article per week as means of guidance, as one thing I've discovered in my hiatus is that you people are clearly ridiculous.

Oh yes, you are. All of you.

I watch CNN, people. And nothing has gotten better in regards to, well, anything. I simply cannot good conscience allow you people to continue into this downward spiral of ridiculousness.

Thus, I am back. Stay tuned, dedicated readers of discriminating taste. Many good things come to those who wait. . .

-- P (the fabulous and all knowing cat)

Annie Show Your Bra Off

Today I am writing about the mall.

This is quite difficult, as I am a cat and have never been to the mall.

However, I hear about this mall place constantly. Karen goes there often, as do her friends. From what I gather, the mall is this place where people buy stuff. Kind of like eBay, but more social and the parking is abysmal.

I've seen this mall place on CNN before. Evidently it's pretty happening.

Personally, I have no desire to go to the mall. I am a celebrity and don't want to be mauled by hordes of screaming fans. I've seen this happen to other celebrities on E! News and it's very disconcerting.

When you are as famous as I am, it pays to take precautions.

Anyway . . .

Karen was telling me about these girls she saw at the mall. Evidently it is now a fashion trend to wear a tight white t shirt with a brightly colored bra.

So basically, these gals are announcing to the world the following:

1. Yes, I wear a bra.

2. Yes, I am a skank.

3. If I'm not a skank, I did not look in the mirror this morning after dressing. Therefore, I am an idiot.

4. I got boobs.

Truthfully, I have no qualms with nudity per say. After all, I spend most days wearing nothing at all and things seem to work out for me just fine, thank you much. But isn't underwear just that-- underwear??? What's the point of showing it off???

Any thoughts???

"Wasted away again in Margaritaville . . . "

I love the hurricanes.

It brings out the stupidity in everyone, including us.

Karen went to the local Super Target last night, already out of bottled water, and she overheard two middle aged women in short shorts talking about their hurricane plans:

"Yeah, I'm having an evacuation party. I'm inviting Jack and Margarita and Jose Cuevero and we're all going to have a good time."

Great. That's all we need: drunken chicks in the middle of a hurricane.

Karen, Sadie and I have been GLUED to the TV all morning, trying to get more information so we can make an educated decision about whether or not to flee like the Joads close to midweek.

We watch the local news for good information. In our experience, the dudes at CNN and the other national news sources work more on fear and sensationalism than on helping people come up with plans prestorm. They like to send a nut job (aka reporter who does not fear God) into the storm and said nut job hangs out in the rain talking about how hard the wind is blowing and how wet they are standing in the rain.

Speaking of reporters, I miss Dan Rather. He's the master of nut jobs covering hurricanes. I don't care about all that alleged B.S. with ole George the younger's "service" in the National Guard. Even in the latter part of his career, he was still mid storm, standing in rising water, covering the hurricanes for those of us fascinated with weather train wrecks, just like he did in Galveston during Hurricane Carla in 1961.

This, by the way, was the first live television broadcast of a hurricane.

Post storm the networks do a better job with the human interest stuff. I am grateful to the national news sources (and local down here) which showed us the death and devastation in New Orleans two years ago. If we depended on our wonderful government to do this, well, we probably wouldn't know what happened in New Orleans those wretched hours post storm.

Notice I said "post storm". Hurricanes aren't great by any stretch of the imagination. But perhaps if the scumbag bureaucracies both state AND nationally would have kept that levee in good repair then the catastrophe post storm would have been significantly less.

Whatever. All reporting is repetitive at this moment. It looks like after ole Dean plows through Jamaica and the Yucatan Peninsula, it will blow into northern Mexico Wednesday mid morning.

If it does that, we shall stay home and watch the rain.

However, hurricanes virtually NEVER go where the meteorologists think they will. Typically they veer north. The plan mentioned above works if the eye hits south of Corpus Christi. If it looks like it'll hits north of that area, we'll go somewhere, either west or north of town or all the way to Austin.

Karen wanted me to send out thoughts and prayers to those in the Yucatan and Jamaica. We wish you the best under the horrific circumstances you will face soon.

Other things I'd like to talk about, but don't have the time right now:
1. Democratic Iowa Debate
2. Sadie the Tuna Thief
3. John Edwards' hair (president Good Hair???)
4 Anti wrinkle pizza (http://www.thatsfit.com/2007/08/13/anti-wrinkle-pizza)
5. The melodrama of CNN

Thoughts for later this week. Hopefully, it'll happen . . .