The Cat is Back

I thought I should dispel any rumors about my whereabouts as of late:

1. No, I am not Paris Hilton's spiritual advisor. She conferences with Barbara Walters

2. I did not run off with George Clooney. First of all, I'm a cat. I have no interest in George Clooney. He's just another human working stiff. Also, I've been spade. I have no yearnings, thanks to Karen, who would run off with George Clooney tomorrow, if she had the option. (And she had me spade???)

3. I was not in jail for attempted murder (or anything else for that matter). The authorities do not intimidate me. I can take the best of them.

4. I am not a contestant on the Bachelor. Again, I was spade in 2002. Furthermore, isn't the bachelor just a very small step above harems?

5. I did not get tickets to the NBA finals. I don't attend public sporting events. It's too loud.

6. I was not taking an extended nap brought on by a viewing of An Inconvenient Truth. I'm only an environmentalist to irritate Karen. I'm not about to do anything that would change my life.

7. I am not campaigning for Ron Paul. This is because I am a cat, and once again, CATS DO NOT WORK, or do anything which requires much effort. If Dr. Paul is relying on me to fund raise-- well, that explains why he doesn't have much money.

8. I was not lounging at a Scientology center. From what I gather about Scientology, I need to give them money to visit a "center". This is ridiculous, by the way. I have no pockets, how can anyone expect me to have money? They should want me to come just because I'm me.

9. I have not been chewing out Michael Moore for not including felines in his movie about the medical industry. Again, I'm a cat. I really don't have much to say about this, other than I'm against ANYTHING that allows Karen to take me more often to that place with the wretched man who sticks a cold tube up my ass, with very little apologies. He does this and then shines a light in my eyes and I'm the one who gets in trouble for making an attempt on his life.

There are some things I just don't understand.

Anyway, my absence has nothing to do with anything other than I didn't feel like working much during the day and when I did feel like writing Karen was home and allegedly needed to use the computer for "work". We had a nasty fight over this. I had Sadie barf in her underwear drawer.

Alls Fair in Love and War

The Way Things Ought to Be

During the Republican debate, Mitt Romney was asked what he disliked most about America. He couldn't come up with an answer. For this reason, I, Penelope the Cat, will tell Mr. Romney what is wrong with America.:

Paris Hilton Going to Jail. I asked Sadie, my personal assistant, if one was allowed to operate a motor vehicle with a suspended driver's license and her response was "What's a license?" For this, I, once again, made an attempt on her life.
My point is, with incompetent help, how can I (or she) be expected for follow these petty frivolous societal rules like if your driver's license has been "suspended" for driving 70 mph sans headlights through night time LA traffic, this means no driving at all?
What if I have things to do?
What if I get a reality show? (It's in development right now, you know.)
Does that mean I still can't drive?
Evidently, the answer to that question is yes, if this driver's license is suspended one cannot drive, as Paris discovered the hard way.
This particular issue doesn't have much to do with me. Karen is my driver and when she isn't doing other things like working she pretty much takes me wherever I want to go.
Anyway, if you want to "free Paris" there are a couple of websites with petitions. It's great: her situation is compared to Gerald Ford's decision to pardon Richard Nixon after Watergate. I don't know where these are. Find them yourself, if you so choose.

George Bush. You know about Barney, the president's terrier-- first dog, if you will. You probably also know about Miss Beazley as well. These two have their own website and two short features on the White House web site.
You probably don't know about India, the first cat. Why would that be, you ask? Because the commander-in-chief is more than happy to give those insipid dogs, who jump out of his arms to run across the White House lawn for no apparent reason, major coverage and completely snub the one who probably is running the country as we speak. And then on her minimalist information page, the author mentions that India's favorite book is If You Take a Mouse to the Movies, as if that cat is reading such drivel. I have a few contacts in D.C. and from what I heard, India is right in the middle of a Sinclair Lewis classic, It Can't Happen Here.
Anyway, I think you ought to write President Bush a letter about this. Forget Iraq, forget high gas prices, forget weapons of mass destruction, or whatever issue is eating you and keeping George the Sequel's approval rating at 28 percent. Let him know that India deserves EQUAL TIME. Sadie is working on a petition, mentioning that it would be nice if the White House rectified this grave issue. When it's ready, she'll let you know.

For today that's all I have. I'll let you know if I come up with any other pertinent issues which need to be addressed. I'm tired-- it's time for a nap.