I am the Elizabeth Taylor of the feline world.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Rush Limbaugh Engulfed in Flames

Dear Canadians:

Yesterday, during a moment of delusion from the heat, I mentioned that Canadians suck. Right now, yes, you Canadians suck. This doesn't me I don't love you, but right now I am freaking hot and well, it is what it is. I am currently sitting in front of the refrigerator waiting for Karen to wander into the kitchen and open the door, so that I can hop inside briefly, or for her to drop a piece of ice onto the floor for my enjoyment.

Granted, I don't go outside. But still it's freaking hot. You guys suck for the next nine months, or until you are knee deep in the misery of snow.

Whichever comes first.

Anyway . . .

Karen is mean.

In our home, we have three pools of water which are constantly full and cold. Karen was working on one of them this afternoon and still would not let me drink out of it. She said that drinking from the device she calls a "toilet" is disgusting. When finished she put the lid down, like always.

It simply isn't fair.

Anyway . . .

Flipping Out

OK, Bravo has this "reality" show about a house flipper who I'm guessing is a tad OCD. That isn't a big deal-- I would think that OCD and house flipping would be complementary. But, oh it gets so much better:

The dude is mean. He's got a crew of assistants who spend most of their time freaking out about being fired, which he's known to do very randomly. He also hires them back a few days later.

Tell me this: what's the point? If you are going fire someone, it's a lot of trouble to hire them back. Lord, if I wanted that kind of drama, I'd fire Karen three times a day.

Anyway, the show is called Flipping Out. Catch it, as it's totally great.

A Funny Thing Happened at Super Target
Have you bought chicken recently?

Karen picked up a package of chicken which read "family farm raised". This struck Karen funny. So basically, the chickens have a lovely family home, that is, until said chicken is decapitated.

Karen mentioned this to the lady behind the chicken counter. She told Karen that she personally buys the free range chicken, since family farm chickens are kept in pens before decapitation, as opposed to the free rangers who get to roam the earth before their decapitation.

How lovely.

I asked Karen about her feelings regarding chickens. Her response was that chickens are called foul for a reason. As long as said chickens weren't pooping on the front porch, she really didn't care.

She did purchase the free rangers, though.

When You are Engulfed in Flames
David Sedaris' new book came out yesterday. I've read the first two essays. So far, it's a riot. I'll let you know more as I get further.

Sedaris was on The Daily Show yesterday. Catch on the repeat.


Operation Rush Limbaugh
OK, we've got more news:

Karen's class didn't make as of today. This means unless they dig up five kids for English, she is free for the summer.

Karen, despite really wanting a new refrigerator, would prefer that five kids not be found for summer school. It's worth 2,000 bucks not to work so she can chill out and drink margaritas in the backyard.

That is, except it's too freaking hot to go outside.

Anyway . . .

If Karen is free, I can't see any reason why she shouldn't spend Friday taking care of Operation Limbaugh. I've mentioned this once again to her. She told me "we'll see", which is better than the "hell no" I expected.

Still haven't mentioned the honorary mistress thing. Once again, we're taking it one step at a time.

I'll be able to give you official notification tomorrow.

So as of now, keep you midday open.

5 comments:

k said...

I kinda love that Flipping Out show. So delightfully WARPED!

Leah J. Utas said...

Okay, so why do we suck?
And snow covers up this suckdom?

Penelope said...

Leah--

Basically, misery loves company.

It's really hot right now. Like 98 degrees hot (that's without the heat index-- try 120 with). The heat makes me delusional and quite bitter.

We're assuming that you Canadians are having nice spring weather. We are insanely jealous and right now are considerding relocation.

But we also don't know anything about snow, which is another set of problems altogether.

-- P

BlueBella said...

Penelope you rock my world:)

Suzanne said...

I found you through Bob and I'm glad I did. What a hoot!!! I'll be back. And honey, please tell me you have air conditioning.

XO Suze