No, I was never a 22-year-old sex worker. First of all, I'm a cat and the word "worker" really should not be associated with our species, as it just isn't accurate. Furthermore, I'm not yet seven. Also, I've been spade since before I was a year (thank you, Karen-- you'll get yours when I succeed in my efforts towards world domination).
I'm mainly using this headline in hopes to get more Google hits. Pretty smart, right???
I know I've been gone for over a week. It's a tragedy of Shakespearean proportions, I am quite aware. But once again, I'm a cat and between the grooming and napping I've just been quite busy.
Alas, I know you guys miss me tremendously and wait with baited breath for my observations and guidance in your daily life. For this reason, I am adding a new feature to the blog:
Anyway, if you have a serious issues in which you need sophisticated guidance, send me an email (firstname.lastname@example.org) and I will address it in the blog at some point.
And yes, I will protect you anonymity and give you a nickname. No, you don't get to choose it. I do, as this is my blog and as I've said before I will do whatever I damn well please here.
Anyway . . .
My staff and I have been quite occupied with the Eliot Spitzer drama, which I'm sure is not particularly surprising to anyone. We've also been trying to figure out a way to address it as well.
We've decided the best thing to do was to have another episode of . . .
The 24- Hour News Station
Scene: Staff meeting at a 24 hour news station.
JACK ISHOULDN'THAVESMOKEDSOMUCHINTHESEVENTIES, NEWS EDITOR: OK, so how are we going to cover this Spitzer press conference?
STUART IWANNAGOBACKTONPR, REPORTER: We've got seats six and seven on row three.
TIM GOODHAIR, ANCHOR: I'm going to interview a law professor from Columbia directly thereafter regarding analysis.
JACK: Sounds good. Anything else?
STEVE SENDMEBACKTOIRAQ, Reporter: We're going to follow Spitzer's car from where he's staying tonight to the press conference. Tim and I are going to go back and forth regarding what I'm seeing.
JACK: (beginning to look confused) And what do you think you'll see?
STEVE: (screaming-- waving his arms all around) Man, you don't know what we'll see. He could be tire bombed right on Fifth Avenue. If we don't follow we'll miss the story--
JACK: OK, OK, so you're following Spitzer's car. Fine, is that it?
GINGER AGINGFORMERMISSAMERICA, ANCHOR: And I'm going to analyze Mrs. Spitzer's wardrobe, with help from Michael Kohrs.
JACK: (pulling a cigarette package from his coat pocket) What?
BRAD I'DRATHERBEWORKINGFORFREEONTHEVIEW, INTERN: The guys upstairs are concerned we aren't meeting the needs of the viewers who accidentally hit our station when meaning to watch E!. They want us to keep them.
JACK: Well then, by all means, let's definitely keep those E! viewers. Let's be nice though, OK?
GINGER: Of course
JACK: Anything else?
CINDY LOSTINROUNDTWOONAMERICANIDOLGOTIMPLANTSBECAME"METEOROLOGIST": I'm interviewing three sex workers from a call girl service.
JACK: (pulling cigarette out of package, looking for lighter) What? Since when do we have hookers on the morning news?
CINDY: (slightly indignant) They aren't "hookers". They're sex workers.
JACK: (desperately looking for his lighter in coat pocket) What's the difference?
CINDY: It isn't PC to say "hooker".
JACK: (complexion slightly flushed-- still looking desperately for lighter-- now in pants pocket) OK, so now we're going to interview SEX WORKERS. And what should we be asking these SEX WORKERS.
BRAD: (handing Jack a box of nicotine gum) You can't smoke in here.
(Jack glares at Brad and places cigarette back in pack and back in coat pocket.)
CINDY: (leaning across the table towards Jack, exposing a great deal of cleavage) I'm taking them to the Mayflower. We're going to sit in the very room that Spitzer used and discuss their plight.
JACK: (slightly distracted by cleavage) What is their plight?
GINGER: (under her breath) That Cindy doesn't get more air time to wear shorter skirts.
CINDY: Excuse me?
CINDY: What did you say?
GINGER: (chin rises slightly) I just don't see the validity of taking a group of common prostitutes to a hotel which charges upwards of a $1,000 a night. What purpose does it serve?
CINDY: What purpose does it serve to spend news minutes on the suit choices of the virtually unknown governor's wife?
JACK: (popping a piece of nicotine gum into his mouth) OK LADIES, let's stay on topic. Cindy, keep your story brief and appropriate and make sure everyone is dressed for morning news. Do you understand what I mean?
(Ginger snorts. Both Cindy and Jack glare at her.)
CINDY: Of course
JACK: (taking a swig of coffee) Anything else?
RYAN THISISWHYIPLAYEDBASEBALLANDDIDN'TRUNFORGOVERNOR, Sports Anchor: We've got a segment in sports in which I'm interviewing a madam-- uh, sex worker supervisor.
JACK: (reaching for cigarettes-- pulls out a flask instead) Why, in sports, are we interviewing a madam?
CINDY: Sex worker supervisor
JACK: Sex worker supervisor
RYAN: We're doing a story regarding the athleticism required by sex workers and the injuries they suffer. (Jack pours substance from flask in coffee.)
JACK: (taking a swig of coffee) I'm not sure it'll get past the censors.
RYAN: That's what I thought. But evidently, the sex workers have kind of an informal union--
JACK: Hold on. The hookers can't be unionized. It's an illegal profession.
RYAN: That's why it's an informal union.
JACK: An informal union?
RYAN: An informal union
JACK: So you're telling me that since the hookers--
CINDY: Sex Workers
JACK: You're telling me that since the sex workers are informally unionized, that standards and practices are OK with you talking about sex positions and possible injuries?
RYAN: This is cable news, Jack
(Jack doesn't know what to say. So he pours more liquid from the flask into his coffee mug.)
JACK: OK, let me talk with the guys upstairs. Ryan, I'll get back with you. So that's it, right.
PAUL STILLHOPINGTOAVOIDINSIDERTRADINGCHARGES, Finance Anchor: We've got a story as well.
JACK: (screaming) WHY IN THE HELL IS FINANCE DISCUSSING THE SPITZER STORY?
PAUL: Now Jack, you didn't go ballistic when Ryan proposed his story. I expect the same courtesy as well.
JACK: I'm sorry, Paul. Tell me, what is finances take on the Spitzer story.
PAUL: Well, we are interviewing a pimp-- ah, male sex worker supervisor, to discuss the tricks of the trade in running a high end escort service.
JACK: And I assume this too has gone through standards and practices with flying colors.
PAUL: I haven't even tried. Actually, I just got wind of what sports was doing and I felt like finance needed to do something as well.
JACK: Oh Lord. (Jack drinks from his flask directly)
CINDY:(turning to Paul) I think your stories are sexist.
PAUL: And why is that?
CINDY: Because you're talking finance with a male.
(Jack rolls his eyes and takes another swig.)
CINDY: Why not a female?
PAUL: Because you guys are interviewing females. I wanted a male point of view.
CINDY: To discuss finances.
PAUL: Well, Ryan chose not to interview men in his story, as did you as well, so I picked a guy, yes.
RYAN: I couldn't choose a man. Who wants to hear a bunch of guys talk about sex positions and injuries? I know I don't.
PAUL: Me either.
CINDY: It's still sexist.
(Brad's cell phone rings)
JACK: Yes Brad?
BRAD: We need to change our focus. Britney Spears is headed to Mexico with two Enquirer photographers, a seventeen- year- old USC freshman, two porn stars, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Gene Simmons, and a goat.
JACK: A goat?
BRAD: A goat
(A silence falls over the room.)
STEVE: (screaming) I'M ON IT!!! I'LL GET IT ON THE FIRST PLANE TO LA AND RENT A CAR AND DRIVE TO TIJUANA.
TIM: Let's find a psychologist to analyze her behavior.
GINGER: I'll interview Madonna and see what she thinks about all of this.
CINDY: Let's get some reaction from the pornography community.
RYAN: I wonder if steroids are involved.
BRAD: I'll start making plane reservations.
(Jack throws the box of nicotine gum at Steve. Everyone else just looks at Jack as if he were nuts as Jack storms out of the room.)
STUART: Guys, but don't forget. The press conference is at nine tomorrow morning.
And that is all I have to say about Spitzergate.
Now I am tired. I am off to take a nap.