I am the Elizabeth Taylor of the feline world.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Conversations with a Solicitor (A Play in One Act)

Scene: Karen is sitting on the couch reading a book. Sadie is asleep on the hearth of the fireplace. I am relaxing on the ottoman. We are listening to an old Peter Gabriel CD.
Phone rings.
Karen: Hello?
American Sounding Phone Voice: Hello may I speak to Penelope Cat?
Karen: What?
Phone Voice: May I speak to Penelope Cat please?
brief pause
Karen: Penelope Cat can't be bothered right now. I am her personal assistant. How may I help you?
Phone Voice: We just wanted to let Ms. Cat know that she has been preapproved for a very common credit card in which Karen is "preapproved" about three times daily.
Karen: Let me get this straight: you are preapproving Penelope for credit.
Phone Voice: Yes
Karen: Penelope Cat?
Phone Voice: Yes
Karen: Just to be clear, do you have Penelope's middle name listed as "the"?
Phone Voice: (very deadpan) Ma'am, my computer screen doesn't show middle names or initials.
Another brief pause
Karen: Regardless, you are offering Penelope a credit line.
Phone Voice: May I please speak to Penelope?
Karen: As I said, Penelope can't be bothered. I'm her personal assistant and you'll have to deal with me.
Phone Voice: For her to access this opportunity, I need to speak directly with her.
Karen: That might be a little difficult.
Phone Voice: And why is that?
Karen: Because Penelope is a cat. Literally. Cat is not her last name.
Phone Voice: What?
Karen: Penelope is a cat.
Phone Voice: Are you sure?
Karen: Unless she's morphed into her true form, queen of the harpies, I'm pretty sure she's a cat.
Once again, I couldn't make this up.
So yes, I was preapproved for a credit card. This is ridiculous, as we all know I am certainly not going to do the shopping. If I do that Karen becomes obsolete. Karen briefly considered creating me a social security number, but she decided it was too much trouble.
Besides, my last name is not "Cat". I have a last name, thank you very much.
Any ideas about how this all occurred???
Karen swears she hasn't used my name on any forms. Her fake name is "Bridget Jones" and her fake number is 976- BABE.
Other Issues:
Songs which Karen like and I approve:
Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel
It's profound.


Missicat said...

The sad thing is - this does not surprise me at all....Pretty funny too!

Reb said...

Penelope, you should be glad that Karen is honest, she could have pretended to be you, absconded with the card and left you to pay the bill!
Maybe you should make sure that you are in the room whenever the phone rings now, oh and check the mail first! After your humiliation over the holidays, you may not want to take any chances.

Penelope said...


She could abscond until her little hearts content, but I don't pay bills, as I don't have a job. Remember, I don't work-- it's against my principles.

-- P