As you can tell from the evidence to your left, I have experienced great travesties against my person over the holiday weekend. To begin with, Karen, who went shopping at some ungodly hour Friday, purchased a new camera. With this camera, she is now documenting her horrific abuse towards me. I am posting the evidence of my humiliation for all to see.
Obviously, this is a grave situation. I need you, as witnesses, to call your local congressman, or chapter of the ACLU and report Karen and her travesties, which have to be in violation of the Geneva Convention.
Someone should call Bono. He totally would understand and speak out against the abuse I am experiencing. So would Oprah. I could later be on her show and discuss my hardships.
After you have contacted the appropriate authorities and Karen is taken away, Sadie and I will need a new home. After much discussion, we've decided this is what we desire in housing:
1. No pets. Sadie gets all huffy over other cats. I don't like the attitudes of dogs. They're pleasers. I don't need a pleaser in my life. That is, unless the pleaser is pleasing me.
2. We expect 1000 thread count sheets. and our own pillows on the bed in the master bedroom. Sadie and I have agreed to share the bed, but it must be at least a queen size.
3. Sadie and I want our own individual food dish. We've been sharing one bowl for years and it's getting old.
4. We expect chauffeur services. I don't know where we want to go, but we expect someone to drive us.
5. We want a running water fountain. If we don't get this, we will turn on the water in the kitchen sink. This is only a problem because we aren't particularly good at turning the faucet off.
6. I am sick and tired of our old Target or PetSmart or wherever collars. I found suitable collar on the Tiffany & Company web site, which would be far more appropriate.
7. I require a personal assistant to run errands and help organize my plot to overthrow the government.
I am now home and all is quiet. Karen is working on stuff for her job, so she's leaving me alone right now. Sadie hid the Santa hat in the fireplace. Since Karen never uses the fireplace, this shouldn't be an issue. I'm still concerned. What's next? Dressing me as cupid on Valentine's Day?